Classifieds

Recently my Chachaji placed two advertisements in the classified columns of a Hindi daily – Dainik Bhaskar. One for selling of his flat at Indore and other for the matrimony of his son. Following are the advertisements placed on the SAME day:

1. A Luxurious flat having area of about 1800 Sq Ft in a posh locality in Indore with all the modern amenities, fully furnished kitchen and semi-furnished rooms is available for outright purchase. Flat is at G-1, Nav Regency, Near BCC House, Manoramaganj, Indore 452001.

Contact : S K Verma, Ph. 098xxxxxx34.

2. Bride wanted for my worthy son 28/182/25K, Visual Affect Artist, working for Films and TV Serials in a reputed company at Mumbai. Sub-caste no bar. No Dowry. Local Offers preferred.

Contact : S K Verma, Ph. 098xxxxxx34.

Here’s a look at the ensuing telephonic discussions that followed.

First Call

Trin-Trinnn…

Chachaji : Hellowwww…..

Caller 1 : Saab… wo advertisement padha… us sambandh mein baat karna chahta tha…

Chachaji : Haanji….kahiye…kaun bol rahe hain…

Caller 1 : …. Saab… B K Nigam bol raha hoon… (cutting short) achcha saab… height wagerah kya hai….

Chachaji : haan saab Normal se thodi kam height hai… kareeb 8 feet hai… par comfortable hai….

Caller 1 : …. Kya saab… 8 feet… kam hai….??

Chachaji : haan saab… par Area zyada hai na… to height itni kam nahin lagti….

Caller 1 : hamari family mein sabki height thodi kam hai… ab dekiye… hamari ladkiyon ki height hi 5’1” hai….

Chachaji : arre… toh aap logon ke liye toh aur achcha hai… bahut comfortable rahega… 8 feet mein aap logon ko koi odd nahin lagega…

Caller 1 : … saab agar dekhna chahein toh??....

Chachaji : …. Haan haan kyon nahin saab…. Aajkal ye G-1 Dashrath (Watchman of the Building) ke havale hai… pichhle paanch saalon se, jabse hum log Bombay shift huey hain…

Caller 1 : … waah saab… aap kaafi dharmik aur adhyatmik type ke aadmi lagte hain… aajkal kaun jeevan aur Dashrath ki baat karta hai!

Chachaji : … haan saab… hamare yahan toh anda bhi nahin khaate…

Caller 1 : … par saab hum toh sab khate hain… betiyon ko bhi non-veg bahut pasand hai…

Chachaji : … toh kya hua saab… ek baar aapko de diya to aap jo chahe banayein-khilayein…

Caller 1 : … waah saab… aap bahut khule vicharon waale lagte hain… waise aap logon ki ummeed kya hai?

Chachaji : … saab zyada to nahin… par 50 Lakh ki ummeed to kar hi rahe hain…

Caller 1 : hmm… saab 50 toh thoda zyada hai… dekhiye koshish karengey… wo to aamne –saamne baithengey toh baat karengey…par achcha lagaa aapse baat kar ke… par saab aapne aisa kyon likha hai… ‘Local Offers Preferred’

Chachaji : …. Arre Nigam saab, waise hamein toh aisa koi rservation nahin hai.. par aap hi logically sochiye, koi Morena se aakar toh Indore mein makaan nahin lega na???

Caller 1 : … achcha kara saab bata diya… hum log bhi Morena se hi hain… par phir bhi baat-cheet kuchh samajh main nahin aayi!!!

Chachaji : … chaliye aap dekhne to aaiye… sab details discuss ho jayengey… (murmuring… ye Nigam ki baat zyada samajh mein nahin aayi!... milengey toh dekhengey… )

Second Call

Trin-Trinnnn…..

Chachaji : Hellowwww…..

Caller 2 : Saab… wo advertisement padha… us sambandh mein baat karna chahta tha…

Chachaji : Haanji….kahiye…kaun bol rahe hain…

Caller 2 : …. Saab… Indore se Sood bol raha hoon… Height, Area wagerah kya hai….

Chachaji : haan saab Normal se thodi zyada height hai… kareeb 6 feet hogi… weight 90 ke aas paas hoga

Caller 2 : …. saab… (murmuring) matlab 90 Sq Mtr…matlab lagbhag 1000 sq ft…. haan samajh gaya… theek hai…

Chachaji : haan saab… par 90 pe height itni zyada nahin lagti…. Proportionate hi lagti hai…

Caller 2 : … par saab height 6 feet thodi kam lagti hai… aajkal 8 feet tak toh acceptable ho gaya hai ….

Chachaji : arre… kya baat kar rahe hain saab… aajkal achche achche model, cricketers sab 6 feet ke aas paas hain…. 6 feet koi odd thodi lagta hai…

Caller 2 : … saab agar dekhna chahein toh??....

Chachaji : …. Haan haan kyon nahin saab…. Waise agle Saturday hum log Indore aa rahe hain… nahin toh aap log hamare ghar Bombay aa jaiye…. Ghar ka bhi idea ho jayega

Caller 2 : … saab… yahin Indore mein mil lenge… ab wahan Mumbai kaun aayega … aap logon ko bhi baar baar pareshani

Chachaji : … arre saab… kaisi pareshani… relation ho jayega toh kaisi pareshani

Caller 2 : … waah Verma saab… aap bahut khule vicharon waale lagte hain… waise aap logon ki ummeed kya hai?

Chachaji : … saab kya ummeed karengey… bas function badhiya kar dijiye… baki koi demand nahin hai… jo aap kar denge theek hai…

Caller 2 : hmm… saab itni badi deal hogi to function th badhiya ho hi jayega… aajkal aise log bache hi kitne hain… bahut achcha lagaa aapse baat kar ke…

Chachaji : …. Achcha Sood saab…. Aapki bitiya kya karti hai…

Caller 2 : … arre nahin nahin Verma saab… bitiya ki toh shaadi ho gayi do saal pahle,Canada mein hai… makaan mujhe apne liye hi lena hai!!!..

Chachaji hangs-up the phone!!!

In my Next Birth - Batata Vada

Recently, while going thru my facebook account, I hit on a quiz - 'What would you be in your next birth?'... not been able to get the sense of this whole quiz... I quizzed myself - What am I in my this birth... to be frank, I have been struggling for an answer all these years, this question though is still unanswered... I didn't give a damn to the quiz... sometimes, the things you try to avoid, kind of roam more all over the mind... a whole variety of thoughts started coimng to my idle mind... what if...?, what if I become.....?

After a lot of 'what ifs?'... my idle mind sparked - why only for next birth... why not for next-to-next... and further next etc! As Dr. Amartya Sen has titled one of his works 'The Argumentative Indian'... my mind argued, instead of 'What would you be?' can't it be 'What you want to be in your next birth?'... In any case, both the options cannot be verified. Then why not 'select' your next birth instead of carrying what's been 'imposed'... like I wanted to be Sir Edmund Hillary in my present birth or may be Sir Richard Branson or may be Mickey Mouse or may be a Jackfruit etc etc... but God made me what I am!... may be I didn't put in my request in advance...

... being undecided on what I want to be in my next birth... I started thinking about next birth...and then next... further next... to accommodate all the options. I zeroed-in on a few things that have fascinated me all along, by virtue of their looks, utility and various other features... being a decent cook myself, 'Food' was the first category that flashed in my mind... and... I almost screamed - Wowww!... I wanna be a Batata-Vada!!!

I just loved the thought... In a Vada-paav, how I would lie encushioned in a split fresh paav...wowww!... Some gorgeous girls taking large bites out of me and requesting the chaat-wala "भैय्या इस पर ज़रा हरी चटनी डालना"... I am simply thrilled imagining the freshly ground mint/ dhaniya flavoured 'hari chatni' flowing all over me... Can it get more cool??. How the top executives will stop mid-way to their homes for a bite..."चल यार, एक एक Vada-Paav मार के चलते हैं"... even their bosses don't get such a preferential treatment. I am ecstatic, just imagining how I'll be a part of get-togethers, friends' reunions or even small parties... people trying to snatch- grab-hold-bite me .... suddenly realising (and murmuring)... ऊपर से ठंडा लग रहा था ... पर अन्दर से आलू साला बहुत गरम है .... what a feeling it is to get noticed even in such parties & get togethers - what more can you ask for?

Like IMG, Globosport, Nimbus, Percept D'Mark, PMG etc vie for Sachin Tendulkar, Sania Mirza... how all the famous brands will vie for a share of mine - be it Jumbo King, Goli, the local 'Ganesh cha Vada-paav' or a politically motivated 'Shiv Vada-Paav (launched by Shiv Sena to counter north Indian chaat-waalas)'. Finding life-long friendships in 'लसून ठेचा (A very hot dry Garlic-Red Chilli-Lime mixture)' is already giving me goosebumps!!!... I am already feeling honored, how people won't mind taking me home to their wives... लाजवंती, ... छज्जू हलवाई के यहाँ गरम गरम निकल रहे थे ... मैं चार पैक करवा लाया ...

... I firmly believe, being a Batata-Vada is not an ordinary deal, it lets you - grab a lot of attention, be relished by others, being tasteful, find life-long friends and bring a lot of joy to every life you touch. What more can you ask for in a life-time?

... Given a chance, I would love to be a Batata-Vada in my next birth... is there anybody now who wouldn't??

Daanton Daanton Mein

Recently, while on a leisure trip to Malaysia... I had the fortune of pampering my own self. The eight days trip started off with luxuries at Langkawi... I got myself further tanned on the beach... then took the cable-car to Genting Highlands... it was great being suspended in a Box some 60 feet above ground, which was nowhere visible because of the floating clouds. By now I was attempting all sorts of cuisines ... which seemed within my capabilities.

My nightmare started on the second night at Genting, when a grain of 'saunf' got trapped inside my already broken tooth... a molar precisely (lovingly called दाढ़ in hindi)... the painful journey took off within the next 20 minutes or so.... I tried everything available starting from a tooth-pick to a needle available in the complimentary sewing-kit... to a thread pulled out of the hotel towel... to a chewing-gum (thinking the saunf will come out stuck in the Chewed-Gum)...and what not. After literally running around in the corridors & lobby of the hotel, I could locate an indian doctor at 4.30 am... I barged into his cabin with mouth wide open.... holding my jaw which was already swollen... he looked inside my mouth for some 7-8 minutes... the aroma of fish-tikka that I had last night was probably still emanating... or may be he started relishing the Mooli-ka-paratha that I had with the tikka... in any case 'Mooli' is well-known for its after-tastes... after the complete investigation he kind of proudly declared that he was a General Physician and tried explaining me that Dentistry is altogether a different science. Till the moment he was inside my mouth ... the doc seemed like a God and I was assuring myself that I will be relieved of my excruciating pain... the moment he said he can't do much... I got determined that I'll get my self cured... the famous hindi movie song flashed all over my mind where Rishi Kapoor stands in front of Sai Baba and sings ... तेरे दर पे आया हूँ कुछ कर के जाऊंगा, झोली भर के जाऊंगा या मर के जाऊंगा... he kind of understood my intent and prescribed a pain-killer for immediate relief. Advised me to come back again at 9.30 am to see the Dentist. I was there at 8.45... still holding my 'jabda'. The lady appeared at 9.20 am and was glad to see me with a swollen lower jaw... me being the ONLY patient available... she smilingly assured, 'I'll call you first'... I thanked her for the consideration! ... I was lying on that longish chair with mouth wide open... the lady was still smiling and started off with 'what all you had last night?'... I bluntly said 'severe pain & swelling'... 'naughty'... she meant by those looks... then she kind of found so many problems & imperfections in my mouth... and said it's a Four-sitting course and she'll have to do a root-canal-treatment... I reminded her that I had come to visit Genting... not on a Resident Visa. She prescribed a pain-killer and an anti-biotic and advised me not to be worried about this swollen jaw... I jumped from the chair asking "Will swelling be alright Doctor?"... "No", she said "You'll get used to it"...

Next two days in Kuala Lumpur passed with a bit less pain and seemingly a bit less swelling... my wife being quite cooperative in assuring me after every 2 hours "it's getting lesser"... almost 27 of the next 60 hours passed in me asking her about the 'status' of swelling or observing myself in the mirror in bathroom... in shops.... in the rear-view of a taxi... even replied to Air-hostesses looking out of the window (while it was completely dark outside)... reached India at midnight ... but was not ashamed of the swelling as most of the 'taxi-wallas' looked similar with Gutkha/ paan tucked on one of the sides of their mouths! Next morning, without any further delay, I sought opinions from office colleagues about the Dentist available near my residence. They reached a sort of consensus on Dr. N. D. Shah, BDS. I was his first patient that morning. The doctor got overwhelmed on hearing that I had come from Malaysia, the previous night and it took me some 10 minutes to convince him that I had not come all the way from Malaysia for a treatment from him but I stay here in Mumbai only. Gujju Bhai started off with "Main bees saal se daant dekhta hoon"... with things already going haywire... I felt like retorting "main bhi saala paitees saal se daant dekhta hoon"... so what if I have seen only mine!... with pain, swelling & frustration all over my face he started looking inside my mouth ... humming some filmy song... which I heard like ..."कहते सुनते दाँतों ही दाँतों में प्यार हो जाएगा"... he quietly looked inside my mouth which, I never imagined, was big enough to pass some 13-15 minutes. After taking his own time he listed the problems & imperfections inside... I started getting a feeling that he was trying to see his world inside my mouth just like 'Yashoda maiyya saw the whole universe inside the mouth of baal Krishna' ... observing for some 13 minutes he asked me to come to his table. Suddenly I realised that I had probably hit upon the 'R.K. Laxman of Dentists'... the man was actually an engineer under the garb of a dentist... who had a knack for sketching 'everything' and complimenting the sketches with his surprising one-liners!... he reproduced my lower jaw on a piece of paper. The dark portion is the 'site' and another molar is already missing from the action.

He started frightening me saying "एक दाढ़ निकलना handicapped होने बरोबर है... तुम्हारा तो एक पहले ही गया हुआ है"... I argued " फिर मुझे आज तक कोई सरकारी नौकरी में physically-handicapped वाला reservation क्यों नहीं मिला है?"... he probably had no answer to my child-like logic!... he continued that it was not possible for anybody to eat without a Molar... I confirmed him that I have been successfully doing that for the last 9 years... he verified "अरे तुम सामने वाला दाँतों से खा रहे हो क्या ? "... I got worried thinking "ये गैर-कानूनी है क्या?" he himself 'clarified'.. " अरे सामने वाला दांत तो smile करने के वास्ते होता है ... तुम तो दाँतों का एकदम misuse कर रहे हो !" .... my swollen mouth gaped further... he continued..."we'll have to do a major Root Canal Treatment (RCT) in that broken Molar"... use of words 'major' & 'canal' made me imagine the Indira Gandhi Canal which was constructed to feed Sutlej River water from Punjab to desert in Rajasthan. He snatched his pen & paper and sketched the procedure... "we'll first clean the interior walls of the broken tooth...then will drill from the intact side... it will be followed by reinforcement by a titanium screw... which will be filled-up by white cement and then the vacant space owing to the missing molar will be bridged with a foundation of adjacent teeth!"





... hoooof!... for a moment I thought he was discussing about some construction site of L&T... I was myself ready with a sketch this time... in my mind though!

After a couple of sittings, I hesitatingly asked, "सर, पैसा कितना हो जाएगा ?"... after a lot of hmmm.... ummm... taking into consideration my Malaysia trip he said... "RCT will be Rs. 5000, Caps will cost you Rs. 3000 for a metal cap or Rs. 6000 for a ceramic cap... an implant for the lost molar will cost an additional Rs. 15000"... using simple arithematic I murmured ... "it would be around Rs. 36000!!"... I was suddenly reminded of a documentary on Animal Planet where they had claimed that a 100 gms of Zambian Ivory cost around Rs. 25000... and many elephants were getting poached every year for their tusks.... out of obvious anxiety, I whispered "Sir, my one tooth is getting costlier than ivory, hopefully they'll not poach me the moment I leave your clinic!!"... he was ready with another one-liner "अरे तेरे दांत का क्या करेंगे वो लोग ... उसमें तो पहले ही carving की हुई है!"... he probably referred to the cavity!... he then offered to add a sparkle to my smile by fixing a semi-precious stone on one of the front teeth... I had to get agitated considering the cost..... he again snatched his pen & paper and offered to improve my smile... this time I genuinely thought he was actually an Engineer in the garb of a Dentist... he was ready with his Engineering Drawing - using light & Total Internal Reflection. He explained how, when a ray of light will enter my open mouth... and after hitting all the metal caps at the ends of jaws... will create an aura like illumination in the centre of the mouth which will burst-out with my smile !!...

I was simply intrigued by his understanding of the Science of Light ??... stunned, I asked... "is this really possible Doctor?".... "hehehe... the same principle is used in optical fibres"... he kind of corroborated his suggestion... the cost attached was still exorbitant... I suggested him to put it on hold till I accumulate some more money or my brother remits it through Western Union...

... the episode finally came to an end, he has advised me not to quote the expenses as there are chances that Income-tax sleuths might be after me!... as we decided to part ways... Dr Shah reminded " मिलते रहना"... we smiled looking at each other ... just like Shah Rukh Khan & Anushka Sharma smiled at each other in the climax of 'Rab Ne bana Di Jodi'... both accepting "मुझको तुझमें रब दिखता है".... I think its gonna be a never-ending relationship... not because we found 'Rab' in each other... probably because I still have 27 natural teeth inside my mouth!

Click on Pictures for a better look at my understanding of Dentist's perceptions.

मेवों की मनुहार

This is a post dedicated to my wife. As most of you know by now, I am from a highly conservative & a traditional family. Living in a joint family, Me & Wife don't even get a chance to talk to each other in presence of other family members. This Deepawali, while trying to burst an Agarbatti-timed-Sootli Bomb in our living room, I annoyed my wife inadvertently. She wasn't infuriated on my attempt at bursting the Bomb right in the Living Room... rather she got upset as the Bomb turned out to be 'Phussi-Bomb'...this yet again reinforced her 7 yr-old opinion about me… “तुमसे कुछ नहीं हो सकता”… she has quite frequently used this statement - at times directly, at times under the garb of some other relatively polite or wild words. As already told, we cannot look into each others eyes while in home, taking the advantage of Deepawali I tried using the Fruits & Dry-Fruits 'presented' (under coercion) to me by some Shri Preetam Lal Soni, as metaphors. Embarrassed to even tell her, I am posting it here

मेवों की मनुहार

ज़रा सी बात थी , दिवाली की रात थी
मन थोड़ा घबराया... फिर एक विचार आया
सबकी नज़रों से बचाते हुए
कुछ संभलते हुए, कुछ सकुचाते हुए
छील कर सूतली-बम की बत्ती
साथ बाँध दी अगरबत्ती
... लगाई अगरबत्ती में आग और
लिविंग-रूम में सोफे के पीछे रख
गया किचन में भाग।
हर बार की तरह,
किस्मत ने दिया दगा
सूतली-बम से भी गया ठगा!
... तुमसे नज़रें चुरा इधर-उधर भागा
मौका देख तुमने भी दागा
"तुमसे कुछ नहीं हो सकता"
उफ़! ये दाग मैं उम्र भर नहीं धो सकता!

तबसे हाल है बेहद बुरा, क्या बताऊँ ?
मायूस हूँ... तुमसे नज़रें कैसे मिलाऊं
बस 'प्रीतम लाल ' के तोहफे मेरे साथ हैं
दीपावली के सारे मेवे उदास हैं
सूख-सूख के अंगूर किशमिश हो गया
खजूर पिचक के छुआरा हुआ जा रहा
अखरोट को ख़ुद में दिखती है खोट
आलूबुखारे को भी बुखार आ रहा
अपने आंसुओँ से ही काजू नमकीन हो गया
पिस्ता ग़म में दिनों-दिन पिसता जा रहा
अंजीर ने पेट में मार लिया खंजर
बादाम का भी लगभग दम निकला जा रहा
इक बार बस नज़र भर के देख लो
सब दूध में कूद जायेंगे
... ग़र तुम मिल्क-शेक लो।
मुझसे भी ज़्यादा शायद तुमसे प्यार करते हैं
देखो, ये सारे किस तरह मनुहार करते हैं

मान जाओ, आख़िर बेचारे कब तक मनाएंगे
सूतली-बम फुस्सी निकल गया तो क्या हुआ
चलो अपन साँप-की-गोली जलाएंगे।

रिश्तों में आत्मीयता से,
सम्बन्ध निश्चय मधुर होंगे

उम्मीद के झिलमिल दीपों से,
हर पथ अब प्रकाशमान होगा

उत्साह-उमंग की फुल्झडियां,
कोने-कोने में छूटेंगी

उल्लास और मुस्कानों से,
तमस अब पूर्ण ख़तम होगा

"शुभ दीपावली"

Pig Baas (16+)

Overheard a discussion among Eunuchs, waiting for a Dadar bound train at Borivili Railway Station... as generally observed, this lot is mostly up-to-date with what's happening around the country (lately...around the world!), be it Politics, Economy, Corporate affairs, Religion, Peace, Science & Technology.... Bollywood, Fashion and what not!... this community is most famous for hitting below the belt, generally ...but.... as the discussion got 'informative & interesting', I missed a few trains... the main participants included Kammo, Pappi, Dilruba & Chandni ... here are the excerpts :

Pappi : ae Ruby (Dilruba) ... wo aajkal Big Baas dekhti hai tu... kitta achha kar rahe hain naa re wo log...
Kammo : Achha... kya achcha kar rahe hai ri... tere ko kya achcha lag gaya usmein... poore time wo Rahul ek-ek laundi ke peechhe laga rahta hai... kya achha karr rahe ye log?
Pappi : ae...e....e.... wo log ek- ek ko nikaal nikaal ke kitta achha kar rahe hain re... saari gandagi ghar ke bahar karte ja rahe hain...
Dilruba : ae... to tere ko woi achha lag gaya .... tu bhi kamaal hai... Faizabad se bumbai aa ke tere ko yei achha lagne ka tha kya?
Pappi : arre...e... Ruby tere bheje main shaadi... bachcha...khatna...phitna... is ke siwa kuchh ghusta hai kya kabhi?
Chandni : arre tu dhande ko beech mein kyun laati re Pappi... usi ki to roti khate na apan.. usi ke waaste mein Main Guntur se idhar bumbai aai na!
Pappi : arre..e.... usi ki khatir to main aur Kammo bhi Nagpur se bumbai aa ke rukke na re... par main kahti thi..ye Big Baas waale kitna seedha tareeka nikale re Gandagi ghar ke baahar karne ka...
Kammo : haan... wo to tu waajib boli re Pappi... soch.. apan ka desh ek bada sa Big Baas type ghar ho to apan milke kisko kisko baahar karengey?... chalo re nominate kartey hain...
Dilruba : dekh waisa bole toh abhi saari ikonaamy ki waat laga ke rakhe ye log... abhi us din main galti se Gents First class dibbe main chadh gayi to mere toh saare khwab phuss ho gaye re.. wo sab tie laga ke baat karte the ki puri duniya ki ikonaamy ki waat lagi padi hai... bolte they sabka paisa jo jidhar jama kiya.. abhi aadha ho gaya... main bhaag ke Tabassum aapa ke paas gayi wo apney Mutual fund agent ko phone lagai to wo bhi bataya ki uska saade teen laakh abhi do laakh bhi nahin bacha tha... mere toh saare khwaab hi phuss ho gaye...
Chandni : ... haan re... samajh le apan ka desh ek Big Baas ka ghar hai... bole toh apan isko 'Pig Baas' ka ghar maan lein... dekh Pappi ... main bolti hai... ki ye ghar main bahut saare Pig pade huey hain... aur mahul mein bahut baas hai...toh agar tere ko is ghar se ek-ek pig ko baahar karne ko bolun toh tum log kaun logon ko nominate karte?

Kammo : ...dekh mera sabse pehla nomination hoga.....
1. Investment Advisors : Ye log saala teen-chaar saal pahle aa ke Tabassum aapa ko bole tumhare 3 laakh rupaye do... 2-3 saal mein double karke dengey... hum log ikonaamy ka bahut analysis kiya hain... aur purane 5 saal mein logon ka paisa itna badh gaya hai... saala teen saal baad paisa utna ka utna hi hai abhi... kya padhai-likhai-analysis kiye ye log re??

Pappi : ... mere ko poochhegi toh mere ko politics ki much-much bilkul jamti nahin, main nominate karegi..
2. Mamta Banerjee : ... wo dekh Singur mein faltu lafda kari na wo... usko kuchh maloom nahin aur dharna-andolan kar di.... logon ko udhar naukri nahin... khane ko roti nahin... dekh Singur-Midnapore se log hamare dhande mein aaye toh idhar kitna competition badhega... Mamta udhar andolan karegi to idhar hamare roti ke vaande hotey... tu kisko baahar phekengi Chandni ?

Chandni : ae...tum log mere ko poochhegi to main Bollywood mein se pakdegi...
3. Ram Gopal Verma : ... ae Ramu dekh aajkal kya kya banata hai... Factory banaya to maal bhi factory maafik ek jaisaa nikaal raha hai... Sarkar- Sarkar Raj... Darna Mana hai- Darna Zaroori hai.... Vaastu-Shastra-Phoonk... arre... ye saari khunnas picture mein nikalta hai ... phir dekh iski picture mein aajkal shaadi-byaah ke gaane bhi nahin hote... kitni dikkat jaati hum logon ko naye gaane dhoondne mein... hamari prablam kaun samajhta idhar?

Dilruba : ...dekh Shabnam aapa se poochhna, main suru se khiladi rahi hoon... ek baar Bhopal mein Mangalwara aur Budhwara ke kirket match mein main Budhwara ki taraf se fast bowler kheli thi...log mere ko Sarpati bolte they... par India team mein main suru se Dada ki taraf rahi hoon... mera nomination hoga :
4. Cricket Selectors : ... ae..e... Pappi tu dekhi... jo apne time main kirket main fail huey na woi sab selectors bante hain... Raju... More... Yadav... Hirwani.... kitna teer maare re ye log??... BCCI mein saare neta log daal ke rakkhe ye log... kaun kirket khela in sab mein?... is se achcha toh Shabnam aapa aur Bittan ko selector lete ho theek hota tha re... abhi ye log Dada ki jaan ke peechhe pade hain... helmet mein se uski kaan ke baaju safed baal dikhe to bole Dada budhaa gaya hai.. abhi retire hona chahiye!... par Pappi tu TV mein se bhi kisi ko nominate karne waali thi na??

Pappi : .... dekh Ruby... mujhey poochhegi toh mera... raat 10 baje TV phodney ka man karta hai ... saala din bhar dhandha kar ke ghar ko aati hai toh ye saare channels pe Murder-birder karke rakhtey hain...
5. Crime Reports & Breaking News : ... dekh ye log dus baje baad crime... murder... aisa glamour daal ke dikhaatey na... ki Chhumman us din zid pakdi ki wo 'ye' imaandaari ka dhandha chhod ke yahi sab karegi.... bolti hai waisa bhi wo daadhi waala halkat screen mein se apne munh pe aake poochhta hai "... ye sab jo murder... loot... rape ho raha hai iska zimmedaar kaun hai... kya aapne apne aap se ye kabhi poochha hai?..".... to mujhe ek baar to yahi feeling aati hai ki main hi shayad ye sab ke liye jummewaar hai... jab bina kar ke itni badnaami ho rahi hai ... to ye sab karke hi main famous ho jayegi!... bolti hai... kabhi Mahesh Bhatt dekha to Emraan Hashmi ki jagah chance ban sakta hai...

... main bhi sochti hai ki wo kabhi kabhi theek sochti hai... dekh Ruby.. ye log jo Breaking News.... Breaking News karke din bhar dikhatey naa... mera dil TV break karne ka karta re... jo subah 8 baje News break hui ... usko raat 10 baje tak Breaking News karke dikhatey re... dekh Chandni tu bhi manegi... Gauna ho kar ladki waapas aayi toh hum log apna neng maangne ko nahin jaate... purani hui bolke... par ye log ke dhandhey mein koi imaan-dharam baaki bacha nahin lagta... tereko maloom Breaking News mein us din dikha rahe they "Debojeet Big Boss se Baahar hua"... ek din toh Breaking News mein dikhaya "Sooar ke bachchon ko Kutiya paal rahi hai".... aisey dekhe toh Chhumman ko bhi Bilqis aapa paali hai... ye Breaking News hui kya.. bol Kammo?

Kammo : ... dekh mere ko poochhegi to main Himmesh ko bhi nominate kar sakti hai...
6. Himesh Reshammiya :... dekh... waisey toh main Himmesh ko bahut maanti hai... wo hum logon ko kitna 'maal' deta hai aajkal... uskey gaane yaad karne ko kitney easy padte re.... ek word ko hi solah baar repeat kiya toh aadha gaana ho jaata hai... dekh tann nnn....nnna nnnnna naaa.... Tandoori Nights.. ye main us din Tardeo mein wo Gujrati ke ghar gayi thi... dekh wo saare gaane humko easy hone ke hisaab se banaya .... assalaam vaalekum... vaalekum assalaam.... ya phir...aa..aaa...aaa..aashiqui mein teri...ja..jaaa.....jaayegi jaan meri....

Pappi : phir tu usko baahar kyun karti hai?
Kammo : ... dekh mere ko uski acting se problem hai... kabhi acting karta hai... kabhi nahin... abhi tak pata nahin chala... wo Sa Re Ga Ma Pa mein..... excellent, fantastic, mindblowing tak hi theek hai re... uskey aagey wo acting karta hai toh Real lagne lagta hai re... aisi acting ka kya faayda.. bol.... ae...Chandni kab se munh sil ke baithee tu... bol na?

Chandni : ...ae... dekh main toh abhi bahut pareshan chal rahi hai... mere ko Dubai jaane ke liye Passport banwaane ka hai... par Raashan Card banwaane mein hi kitna problem kar rahe ye log...
7. Sarkaari Babu : ... dekh ye log kitna corruption kar rahe hain... baat baat par paisa maangte re ye log... humko bhi peechhey chhodey re ye log... abhi main Raashan card ke liye BMC gayi to mera faarm bharne ke sau rupaye manga wo Babulal... Naam, Pataa, Baap ka Naam sab sahi batai... 'Sex' poochha toh mera bheja out ho gaya... main boli faarm bharney ke sau rupaye dee phir bhi faaltu baat karta hai... main halla macha dee...toh wo paas waala Mangtu Raam bola...arrey ye faarm main bharna padta hai... Sex bole toh Male ya female... main boli mere ko ispe doubt aata hai...dono lik doh... toh Babulal sau rupaye aur le liya... main boli na ye log baat baat pe paisa mangtey hain... sau sau rupaye mein ye log Male Female kar rahe hain... hum log faaltu itna paisa 'kharcha' karte re...

Dilruba : ... ae chalo re... ye inko baahar karne ke lafdey mein kitni train chhodey re hum log... chalo re... tum log kaun kidhar kidhar ja rahi hai...
Kammo : Main Bandra utroongi... wo Sachin 12000 run banaya na... uska neng abhi bachta hai... Anjali aaj bulai thi.. aur tu kidhar Pappi?
Pappi :... dekh...main pahle Dadar jayegi.. wo Raj ko Police chhod di na.. wo kuchh toh dega... dekh hum log sab doosre states se aaye hain phir bhi wo hum log ko kabhi 'nakko' nahin bola... tu kidhar nikal rahi Ruby?
Dilruba : ... main Juhu ja rahi hoon... Jeetuji ke ghar... wo Tushar ki picture Golmaal Returns hit hui na... Ekta, Jeetuji kuchh toh dengey... main pichhli baar bhi boli thi jab 'Shootout at Lokhandwala' hit hui thi... Tushar ko lead role nahin dogey to picture chal jayegi... is baar goonga kar diye to aur badi hit ho gayi!.... tu kahan ja rahi Chandni?
Chandni : .... main Himesh ke ghar ja rahi hoon... Andheri utroongi...
Kammo : ...par Himesh ke ghar kyun... Karzzz toh flop gayi na re?
Chandni : ....arrey ye to duniya ko maloom na... Himesh to abhi bhi samajh raha hai ki Karzzz supper-dupper hit ho gayi hai....