Save from 'Saving'...

'Save' is the call God specially inscribes in the Indian psyche at the time of 'formation'. I have grown up ... or rather still growing up hearing this 'call'. At times I listen and follow, more often ignore it... after all its purely a matter of convenience!... As long as I can remember, I have been given this call of 'Save.... ' innumerable times. They might have started it long before that but probably I don't remember things that old or I was not big enough to understand that... I still remember my mom advising me continuously to 'save' almost everything for my younger brother... be it the chocolate, ice-cream or some pretty ordinary things... May be the advise to 'save something for somebody' is a way of communicating the closeness one has (or should have) with the person for whom one is advised to save... that might be the reason my mom never advised me to save anything for पड़ोस वाली आंटी कि पप्पी. I started saving a lot of big & small things for my brother and finally started taking a lot of pride in that ... expressing 'ये मेरा भाई है '. Be it my toys, my chocolates, my marbles, my tiffin-box, my pencil-sharpeners... anybody who was exclusively authorised to use it was my younger brother. I thought I was 'saving' enough...

... then in KG2, when I was asked by Lily Mam to sit next to Roopa Mishra on the very first day, I started feeling as if an access to Roopa will invariably have to be through me... I used to 'save' the adjoining seat for her in the Auto and some biscuits & gajak for her in my tiffin-box... Surprisingly, nobody ever asked me to 'save' these things for Roopa... Wrong, it was my instinct which was instructing me this time. It continued for some 3 months then Lily Mam, after probably noticing that I was 'saving' a bit too much for her, asked Roopa to sit with Ajay Jain and Chhidrup was seated next to me... me & Chhidrup hardly saved anything for each other after that!... Then during my adolescent years, my dad often used to convey his displeasure on putting on the best shirts & denims without a reason or an occasion... he would often suggest 'Why not save a few good shirts for special occasions, festivals, parties etc?'... Thank God, the 'instructions' gradually changed to 'suggestions'... but he also continued with 'Save time, time is money'... I often used to scoff it off with '... if time is Money, then Chouksey uncle who is a time-keeper with Ordnance Factory must be a very rich man!'... could never really understand 'How to SAVE time'... mostly I have believed, you cannot SAVE time- you can only properly utilize it. But, then again, proper utilization of time is relative. I often thought that while in college I was best utilizing my Fridays by seeing first-day-first-shows of all Sanjay Dutt's movies, but my parents never seemed to agree. Likewise, I advocated ultimate utilization of a Sunday by getting up after 9 in the morning, then watching BR Chopra's Mahabharat with breakfast... or having a brunch with 'Rajani'... then passing the whole day watching TV or listening to Music... my parents continued advocating 'Save time, it will pay you in the long run'.... I hardly listened and often argued '... यही तो उम्र है मस्ती करने की, बुढ़ापे में कौन मस्ती करेगा... ' the rebellious sort in me was completely against 'saving' of any type whatsoever...later in my college years, my parents advised me to save money while in hostel... I did save a bit... but... then splurged it on completely useless & worthless things... the tendency of 'Saving' had still not crept into me.

Getting into a job opens up a lot many avenues for oneself ... it also opens up a lot many avenues for multitude of advisors... your Boss, who has been waiting for all these years to share (bombard) his wealth of knowledge, finds an avenue and pours the essence advising you to save for the future, for a flat, for a car, for a family etc. The Administration Manager advises you to use email & SAVE paper, at the bottom of his signature in the mails you find the irritating 'Print this mail only if necessary'. Then there are so called investment advisors who come up with funny examples & reasons for you to invest & SAVE. They invariably start with 'I pray to God for your long & healthy life BUT... suppose....'... and then they will present the worst possible scenarios with your life... will scare the life out of you... all this in order to make you save something... last time I argued with an 'advisor' - "When I am not going to be there, you are gonna pay my nominees a huge sum of money!... they may not care a heck, having received the windfall.... and therefore may blow it up in a couple of months. How will you ensure that the money I am saving shall be utilised 'properly'? " The advisor had no reply to my logic... I further argued, "what's the point in saving for others' future at the cost of my present?...मैं अभी मर-मर के save करूँ और लोग  मेरे पीछे ऐश करें... जिसको ऐश करना होगा वो अपना कमाएगा और ऐश करेगा.."... I continued "... the moment we started following the Darwin's 'Survival of the fittest' principle, a lot many pains & obligations will get eliminated on their own!"... He might have been stunned on my views & approach... but so was I (as if I had propounded a new principle contrary to the theory of Insurance or rather contrary to the theory of high value Insurance availed by paying HUGE premium).... but, then there are emotions... 'Saving' has to come out of emotions not just for the sake of it... why otherwise I would have saved a seat & my lunch for Roopa when nobody asked me to and when Roopa didn't save anything at all for me ??...

'Saving' is one of the few traits that everyone wants others to develop instead of inculcating themselves. It has lead to many a disasters. The Project Tiger started by the Indian Government in 1972 is a case in point where the Govt wanted all of us to save Tigers through print and AV campaigns but didn't do much themselves. Same is the case with our politicians who keep on advising all of us to save Electricity but their own unpaid bills run into lakhs of rupees. Everybody who advises should be leading by examples. Things may then start moving in the right direction. A group of youngsters embarked on a campaign for cleaning & saving Yamuna (River) last year set an example of how you can go all the way from Mumbai to save Yamuna at Delhi, have a blast on the way (in train), loads of fun in Delhi, countless photographs & subsequent activity on facebook and still achieve a bit, not to forget the tonnes of enjoyment both for themselves & (probably) for Yamuna!!

The crux of the matter is STOP advising me to SAVE paper, electricity, fuel, power, energy, environment, rivers (Yamuna included), Nilgiri Tahr, Indian Wild Ass ... and the whole of Earth. On the contrary, I beg to be saved from ever advising Politicians, poking relatives, uninvited advisors, Happy-to-help telecallers, ever ready consultants and self-proclaimed guides...

... so what if only 1411 Tigers are left in the wild... there is only one of my kind left in the whole world... SAVE ME

An Alternate Profession

... Got up early one morning to Milk the cows, I was new to all this... had started this little Dairy a few weeks back... I now had some 4 Cows, a calf and a Red Bull. This newly constructed Dairy, by the side of my newly acquired farm, had provision for some 20 Cows. Your newest venture gets the most of your attention, labour and everything else... so I was finding it tough to devote quite some time to my new found profession (actually an old passion) in addition to my 9 to 5 job. I always wanted to be a farmer but never really knew that it actually is a lot of hard work!... One needs to plow the fields, sow the seeds, fertilize, harvest and so on & so forth... Farming is actually a larger profession with integrated Dairy, Poultry, Sheep & Goat rearing and a hell lot of other subsidiary activities... believe me its a full-time job... you are attempting 'impossible' when you try to do it with your office-job... but that's what you have friends for... I was never so close to some of the persons as I am right now (after taking up farming). Some of my college-mates (girls) who never even used to look at me properly while in college, are suddenly fertilizing my crops, gifting me calves, horses, goats, sheep and many trees. God has never been so kind. God has also been specially kind with respect to the chunk of land I acquired. Its probably an irrigated land with enriched soil. Its a great boon as I never have to irrigate my crops. I am really blessed - my friends take turns to fertilize my crops. Irony is that I never really get to meet them while they are at it in my farm... I also have a feeling that they neither meet each other while working in my farm even at the same point of time... I have grown in status and expertise in cultivating some particular crops. Initially, I used to get a bit too affected by the local market it is not so anymore. While routinely visiting the local vegetable market, on finding that prices of Onions or green chillies were going up, I used to sow these vegetables in my farm the very next morning before leaving for office. Now, having achieved a bit, I have a tractor, harvester and a seeder. Now I often cultivate Pineapple, Bell Peppers, Artichokes, Daffodils, Red Tulips, Lavenders etc without a worry about the market to sell them. A lot many of my friends now vie for being my neighbours... Life has never been so good as far attention is concerned. But it does have its own share of responsibilities, one should reciprocate by gifting back the friends & neighbours and fertilizing their crops. It is probably the camaraderie among friends & neighbours that pays off everybody - The trees are producing fruits without any inputs or care, the hen are producing eggs without disruptions, cows & goats are producing milk, crops grow on their own... you only have to harvest everything. Suddenly the farming seems very easy & enjoyable...

.... more so on 'Farmville' .... its addictive... it does give a great high being the cynosure of all your friends' activities who have taken up 'farming' ... makes you feel a lot privileged ... I am now seriously thinking of giving-up my 9 to 5 job and take up farming full-time!

Daaktar Saab

Indian Government has lately been trying its best to provide basic Medical Facilities to one & all... beyond caste, creed, color, status... the stress has certainly been on covering almost all of about 638365 villages ... the Government is offering subsidies on Medical Studies in some colleges... of course with a rider that pass-outs will initially be posted at some villages in interiors. There's a 'Lock-in'... the 'fresh' docs can't get a transfer for a period of two years... the aspirants plan variety of things to escape such postings... strangely though, almost all such postings are followed by recommendations from the very same MLAs, MLCs, MPs... Ministers... Leaders who have been instrumental in making this 'policy' of rural postings. These doctors are then required to submit their performance report on a monthly basis... and it should invariably reflect some improvement...

Dr. Jeevan Pyaare Gautam (JPG - as he was fondly called by his classmates of MBBS for his ability of creating great pictures, mostly out of his imagination), freshly out of the college, got posted at a village called Phanda in Sehore district in Madhya Pradesh. As is with any new responsibility, JPG enjoyed being addressed as 'Daaktar Saab' by the 650 odd villagers of Phanda and of the adjoining villages. The village chief 'Sarpanch' - Chaudhari Mitthu Singh deputed one of his men called Pungi Lal at JPG's service. Pungi was actually an all-rounder... Helper, Cook, Driver, Masseur... and even a Compounder. Pungi used to accompany JPG to everywhere, from Patients' residences to weekly bazaars at Phanda and neighbouring villages. He gradually started being recognized as 'Compounder saab'. More than Jeevan Pyaare, Pungi started discussing ailments and their cure at length at various forums- Panchayats, Vivah-Bhoj, Funerals, family gatherings.... etc etc. JPG was a born attention-seeker and he started relishing all this due & undue attention he was getting in the village. JPG was mostly busy being the Guest of Honour at all sorts of functions in Phanda and nearby villages... needless to say, most of this was courtesy Pungi Lal ji. Both the dignitaries used to travel these distances on JPG's second hand bike- Kawasaki Bajaj Caliber 112. Pungi used to be the Master of Ceremonies on almost all such programmes and more often than not used to test JPG's oratory skills... " राम आसरे भैय्या के तीसरे बेटे के मुंडन में आज हमारे बीच हैं डाक्टर साब, डाक्टर साब आप सब लोगों को बतायेंगे कि बच्चों का मुंडन कराने के क्या फायदे हैं और मुंडन करने की सही उम्र क्या होनी चाहिए..." or on rather further weird issues like "... बड़ी ख़ुशी की बात है कि गुल्लू की गैय्या गेरू को कल रात बड़ा खूबसूरत बछड़ा हुआ है - गजनी, डाक्टर साब माँ-बेटे कि सेहत बनाये रखने के उपाय आज आप सब को बतायेंगे..." all this went on for almost two and a half months ... JPG also kind of started enjoying this... he often thought why was there a need to study Medicine if he was doing (and enjoying) such kind of activities!... In the meantime, they were attending to local patients... which rarely turned up at the Government dispensary... since Doctor & Compounder were hardly available!

Suddenly... one fine morning, Dr Jeevan Pyaare Gautam, MBBS received a telegram from सहायक निदेशक, चिकित्सा सेवाएं, मध्य प्रदेश शासन (Assistant Director, Medical Services, Govt. of M.P.) with a message "... आपका मासिक प्रगति प्रतिवेदन पिछले दो माह से प्राप्त नहीं हुआ है, कृपया तुरंत प्रेषित करें और भविष्य में इसकी प्राप्ति अगले माह कि ७ तारीख तक सुनिश्चित करें ..." (We have not received your Monthly Progress Report for the last two months. Please forward it immediately and also ensure its receipt by the 7th of next month, in future)... There was no 'progress' as such, JPG had hardly treated any patients during the past two months... and was completely clueless on what to make-up in the 'Progress-Report' that too for the last two months...

He turned to Pungi Lal for a solution. After discussing all the technicalities, Pungi Lal opined that creating fake patients and submitting a false report might end up terminating his services, if proved even in future. This is how the previous Medical Officer- Dr Laxmi Prasad lost his job. He suggested that they should work overtime and Check each and every resident of the village as a patient, to make-up for the shortfall (in numbers) of the last two months. Pungi further suggested that he himself will go village to village urging people to get themselves checked up and 'cured' even for very ordinary& minor problems. People started flooding the Government Dispensary at Phanda in hoards... much beyond the expectations of both JPG and Pungi. Initially Pungi liked it and could generate the required data within a period of some 5-6 days... the people, however, continued to turn up day-after-day-after-day..... Daaktar saab had not much aptitude left for his real profession after an initial taste of 'Chief Guestship'. Pungi was also not enjoying this 'real' work-load, after all he always aspired for 'bigger' things in life. People continued to visit JPG & Pungi with all sorts of ailments... "डाक्टर साब, मेरी पिंडली में बहुत खुजली हो रही है दो दिनों से"... या फिर.... "... साब मेरी नाक के अन्दर छोटी फुंसी हो गयी है... आजकल नाक में ऊँगली करने में बहुत दर्द होता है"... or else..."..डाक्टर साब, आजकल कई दिनों से रोज़ रात में जोर जोर से आवाज़ के साथ खट्टी डकारें आती हैं..".... This was way too much for JPG... suddenly he was hating his profession, posting , village-life... Pungi...and everything.

... JPG was not the one to give up so easily.... or rather he was not in a financial position to leave the job for a city-job by paying the bond money of Rs. 2.5 Lacs... he contemplated various options to go back to his old 'job-profile' while adhering to official reports etc. The only way he could go back to his old relaxed ways was by reducing the number of patients who were still coming in loads... JPG thought this reduction can only be achieved if he started giving more time on individual patients BUT the ailments were so minor that somehow it was not possible to devote more time on each individual patient. ... Theoretically, he thought he would increase the time taken for diagnosis of a patient, this would not only keep the patients happy (that Daaktar saab was giving him so much time) but will also not reflect badly in his 'Monthly Progress Reports'... here was the solution, Dr. Jeevan Pyaare Gautam started asking all sorts of weird questions while diagnosing the diseases...A patient of constipation was bombarded with questions like - "क्या जब से तुम्हारी प्रेमिका की शादी हुई है, ये कब्ज की शिकायत बनी हुई है?"... या फिर.. "स्कूल में तुम्हें अंग्रेजी वाली मैडम पसंद थीं या विज्ञान वाली?"... या फिर "तुम साइकिल का पंचर गेंदालाल के यहाँ बनवाते हो या पूरनचंद के यहाँ ?"... almost at the end he used to face a relevant question like "कल रात तुमने क्या खाया था... दही-चावल?".... similarly a patient of Eczema had to answer questions like - "... तुम्हारे माँ-बाप ने भाग के शादी की थी या गाँव में?"... या फिर ...."तुम हनुमान जी की पूजा ज्यादा करते हो या शिव जी की?"... या ... "तुम्हें धनिया की चटनी पसंद है या पुदीना की?"... finally at the end only was he asked about any skin allergies he had.... a patient of common cold had to face questions like -.."तुम्हारे हिसाब से शोले में ज्यादा पावरफुल रोल किसका था - जय का या वीरू का?"... या... "तुम लाईफबॉय से नहाते हो या रेक्सोना से?"... या फिर ..."तुम्हारी भैंस 'भूरी' ज्यादा दूध देती है या 'दुलारी'?"... everyone initially thought that Daaktar saab was doing a detailed diagnosis... only to realise a few weeks later that its better to try home-remedies for such minor problems than answer all sorts of awkward questions at Dispensary...

The flood of patients finally started receding after a few days... credit to the long interrogatory sessions. After a few weeks there were virtually no patients... the time for next 'मासिक प्रगति प्रतिवेदन' was already there... Both JPG & Pungi submitted a detailed report on Patients treated during last month. The major difference being, this time they were stressing more on the Quality & Details of diagnosis than the number of patients treated. The next couple of months saw further more more 'Details' ... and then further more... after 4 months or so ... they were exactly back to their initial life and job-profile... The Monthly Progress Report mentioned... 'No Patients during last month'.... The inference derived - "Either There are no more patients or people have stopped falling ill and all diseases have been eradicated since our postings at Phanda"... As is mostly the case - Higher-ups are more impressed by the way content is 'presented' than the 'content' itself... Dr. Jeevan Pyaare Gautam, MBBS got promoted and posted at his home town at Harniya Khedi, Mhow and Shri Pungi Lal Choubey got 'permanent' as Compounder (now addressed as Daaktar Saab) at Phanda.

मामूली आविष्कार जिन से (मेरी) दुनिया बदल गयी

काफ़ी समय हुआ... सोचता हूँ कुछ चीजों के आविष्कार और उपयोग सुझाने वाले लोगों का 'शुक्रिया' अदा करना चाहिए... ऐसी बहुत सी चीजें हैं जो आपने, मैंने, हम सबने कभी न कभी उपयोग की होंगी ... पर कभी, चंद सेकंड्स रुक करा सोचा नही की हम ये स्वीकार करें की ये चीज़ें ना होती तो जीवन वाकई दूभर होता। बहुत सोचा... इस लिस्ट में क्या शामिल करुँ क्या नहीं... जो मुझे ज़्यादा उपयोगी लगा, जोड़ दिया है... आप अपनी चीजें नीचे टिप्पणियों (कमेंट्स) में जोड़ सकते हैं :

१ एलास्टिक : बहुत सारी चीजों में इसका उपयोग हुआ है और होता रहेगा पर मैंने महसूस किया है अगर अधोवस्त्रों और पायजामों में इसका उपयोग नहीं होता तो बहुत सारे लोगों को अधिकतर कार्य शायद एक ही हाथ से करना पड़ते। एलास्टिक आपको एक अलग प्रकार का आत्मविश्वास देती है की विपरीत परिस्तिथियों में भी वस्त्र अपने स्थान पर बने रहेंगे। ये विश्वास, दिन हो या रात, आपको एक विशेष प्रकार की निश्चिंतता देता है.

२ जीभी : दाद देना पड़ेगी उसके दिमाग की जिसने सोचा की जीभ को सुविधाजनक रूप से साफ़ करने के लिए भी कोई ऐसा यन्त्र हो सकता है. सोचिये शरीर के एक ऐसे अंग को आप दोनों हाथ बाहर रखे ही भी आसानी से साफ़ कर सकते हैं जो पूर्णतया मुंह के अन्दर ही रहता है. 


३ आइसक्रीम कोन : आइसक्रीम अपने आप में दूध और क्रीम को खाने का एक बहुत स्वादिष्ट और सुविधाजनक तरीका है. पर एक बार पिघलने पर इसको संभालना दूभर हो जाता है. यह हमेशा संभव भी नहीं होता की आप किसी बर्तन में रख कर इसे खाएं. कोन से बेहतर आइसक्रीम  खाने का उपाय शायद ही दूसरा कोई हो. इस तरह ना सिर्फ आप अपनी सुविधा से इसे किसी भी स्थान पर ले जा कर खा सकते हैं बल्कि खाने पश्चात बर्तन लौटाने या फेंकने का सरदर्द भी नहीं रहता.


४ हथोड़ी : एक लोहे की पतली तार-नुमा वस्तु को किसी अपेक्षाकृत नरम वस्तु के अन्दर पहुंचाने के लिए हथोड़ी से सुविधाजनक और सस्ता शायद कोई औजार नहीं है. चूँकि हम लगभग सभी इस औजार का उपयोग होश सँभालने के दिनों से ही कर रहे हैं इसलिए अब ये सोचना और स्वीकार करना नामुमकिन सा लगता है की इसके बिना भी कभी काम होता होगा. दाद देना पड़ेगी उसके दिमाग जिसने सोचा की ऐसा भी कोई औजार हो सकता है जिसका सिर अगर उसके लक्ष्य के सिर से बड़ा और वज़नी तो वो अपने लक्ष्य को आसानी से आगे धकेल सकता है. 

५ टी.वी. का रिमोट कंट्रोल : एक वो भो ज़माना था जब इंसान (कम से कम भारत में) सोचता भी नहीं था की टीवी देखने के लिए भी आपको विकल्प मिलेंगे. १९८०-८५ के आसपास जब टीवी पर सिर्द दूरदर्शन आता था तोह कम से कम मैं तो नहीं ही सोचता था की कभी ऐसा दिन भी होगा जब दूरदर्शन के अलावा भी कुछ देखूँगा... सच कहूं तो इस दिशा में इंसान सोचता भी शायद नहीं था... पर आज का दिन है..१००...२००.. २५०.. चैनल की संख्या लगभग अनियंत्रित होती जा रही है... जहां एक चैनल पर न्यूज़, फिल्म, नाटक... खेल, रंगोली, कृषि-दर्शन से ले कर पता नहीं क्या क्या आता था, अब इन सभी एक एक चीज़ों के लिए कई कई चैनल हैं. ज़रा सोचिये, अगर इस दशा में आपके पास रिमोट ना हो तो चैनल न. १२ से १८२ तक पहुँचने में आपकी नानी को भी नानी याद आ जायेगी. इस खोज ने हालाँकि एक नए युद्ध को ज़रूर जन्म दे दिया है - रिमोट के लिए घर में युद्ध. मेरे और भाई की आपस की लडाई में मैं अपने लिया नया रिमोट ले आया... जिसके साथ एक टीवी फ्री था!  



... ऐसे अनेकों-अनेक उदहारण हमारे चारों तरफ बिखरे पड़े हैं... हजारों-लाखों चीज़ें हमारी ज़िन्दगियों को रोज़ प्रभावित करती हैं.. ये चंद चीज़ें मुझे याद आयीं ... आप अपने पसंदीदा उदहारण नीचे 'Comments' में शामिल कर सकते हैं... 

सबसे बड़ा सुख

परिस्थितियों के मुताबिक हम अक्सर विभिन्न चीजों की व्याख्या अलग अलग तरह से करते रहते हैं. ... एक सन्डे की दोपहर, नए नए ख़रीदे बीन-बैग पर कुछ आढा-टेढा सा लेटने की कोशिश करता हुआ मैं सोच रहा था 'साला, इस से बड़ा सुख कोई नहीं'... एक दोपहर में खाना खा कर, ऑफिस-घर के काम-काज से बेपरवाह, बेतरतीब से पड़े हुए एक पसंदीदा मैगजीन पढ़ना... वाकई में बड़ा सुख है.... पर सुख वास्तव में आपेक्षिक (relative) है ... किसी विशेष समय पर आपको कोई बहुत बडी चीज़ भी वो सुख नही दे पाती जो एक बहुत मामूली सी चीज़ दे देती है. फिर सुख प्रदान करने वाली चीज़ों की लागत का ध्यान रखना भी ज़रूरी है.... अब सुख की खातिर हर आम आदमी तो अपनी पत्नी या प्रेमिका को एक एयरबस A-३२० तो गिफ्ट नहीं कर सकता ना?... बहुत सारे मुझ जैसे आम आदमी तो पत्नी की मांग पर हीरों-का-हार या विदेशों में छुट्टियां देने में भी अक्सर सक्षम नहीं हो पाते हैं.

इस तरह सुख की परिभाषा में दोनों मापदंडों का अनुपात आवश्यक है - सुखानुभूति और उस पर आने वाली लागत. संभवतः कुछ भद्रपुरुष इस बात पर भी सहमत होंगे कि आपकी सुखानुभूति और उसे प्राप्त करने का माध्यम दूसरों के आराम और दिनचर्या में बाधक नहीं होना चाहिए... वरना कुछ स्वघोषित गायक और संगीतकार रियाज़ के नाम पर दूसरों का जीना हराम कर देंगे. वहीँ कुछ मनचले युवा रोज़ सड़क पर कई लोगों को कुचलेंगे... अपना वाहन-चालन का रस लेते हुए. आज भी कई लोग इस में ही बहुत सुख ले लेते हैं कि उन्होंने फलां किले के खंडहरों पर कहीं कोने में चॉक से 'दिल' का निशान बना कर गोद दिया है "Moolchand luvs Sunita"... बहुत से मजनू स्कूलों- कॉलेजों के टॉयलेट में "रूपा तू मेरी है - श्रीकांत" या फिर "प्रेमलता-मेरे दिल की रानी, I love you Premlata" जैसी घोषणाएं करके अजीब सुख महसूस करते हैं... ये हालाँकि समझ से अब तक परे है की रूपा 'बोयज़ टॉयलेट' आकर श्रीकांत की प्रेम-विज्ञप्ति कैसे पढ़ पायेगी या फिर प्रेमलता किसके दिल की रानी है.... और अगर है भी तो ये सन्देश प्रेमलता तक पहुंचेगा कैसे?

खैर, सुख की ना ख़त्म होने वाली मेरी अपनी खोज में मैंने कई विकल्प तलाशे. एक या दूसरे मापदंड पर एक के बाद एक रद्द होते विकल्पों के बीच मैं सोचने पर मजबूर हो गया की ऐसी क्या चीज़ है जो मुझे ( और अन्य सभी को भी ) उसकी लागत के अनुपात में अधिकतम सुख की अनुभूति देती है... बहुत दिमाग दौड़ाया... काफी देर सिर खुजाता रहा पर किसी चीज़ पर बात जमती नहीं दिख रही थी... आखिर सिर खुजाते-खुजाते अहसास हुआ की शायद 'यही' वो चीज़ है जिसके लिए मैं दर-दर भटक रहा था... सहसा अहसास हुआ की मेरी शर्तों को कोई सुख अगर सबसे अधिक योग्यता से पूरा करता है तो शायद 'यही' वो 'सुख' है..

..... अ...आ...sss..ह..हा..हा... ज़रा सोचिये क्या इस से बड़ा कोई सुख है जब आप की पीठ में जोर से खुजली हो रही है और आप किसी तरह अपने हाथ को लगभग तोड़-मरोड़ के अपनी पीठ के उस क्षेत्र तक पंहुचा लेते हैं जो आपने आज तक सीधा अपनी आँखों से देखा तक नहीं है.. फिर धीरे-धीरे रफ़्तार पकड़ते हुए आप अपनी उँगलियों को एक ताल में चलाते हैं और आँखें बंद कर ये सोचना भी नहीं चाहते की ये उंगलियाँ कब रुकेंगी... सचमुच इस से बड़ा सुख शायद और कोई नहीं... या फिर, पसीने से उत्पन्न खुजली जो आपके अधो-वस्त्रों के किनारों पर मचल रही हो... पर अपनी महिला सह-कर्मी या सह-पाठी की नज़रों के सामने होने से आप अपने हाथ वहाँ तक बढा भी नहीं पा रहे हैं... फिर, भगवान् आखिर आप की सुन लेता है... और अचानक ही वो अपने कंप्युटर स्क्रीन पर ध्यान गडा देती है ... फिर, मौके का फायदा उठाते हुए, भगवान् का शुक्रिया अदा करते हुए... आप उन दो-चार मिनटों में ही जैसे एक सदी से उठ रही खुजली को मिटा लेना चाहते हैं... सोचिये और बताइए.. इस लागत में इस से ज्यादा सुख की अनुभूति आपको कहीं मिल सकती है... ये बात दीगर है की 'खुजली' की अगली अवस्थाएँ, दाद और खाज, खुजाने की पूरी प्रक्रिया में से 'सुख' का अंश लगभग गायब कर देती... इसीलिए, मेरी निजी गुजारिश मान कर, जब मौका मिले, खूब खुजाएँ...इस विषय पर अब तक के सबसे प्रचलित विज्ञापन को थोड़ा मरोड़ते हुए - खुजली करने वाले, बी-टेक्स लगाने से पहले, जी भर खुजा ले...

Bhagwaan Retire Ho Gaya

Characters :

1. Me = Me  2. Doctor = Dr Prakash Gaikwad 3. Nurse 1= Sister Nancy Nair  

4. Nurse 2 = Sister Suby Verghese 5. Maid = Mausi 6. Resident Doctor = Dr Rane

7. Guard = Security (Rathoreji) 8. Ward Boys = Bhiku, Misraa

9. Lift Man 1 = Gajanan Shirke aka Shirke 10. Bhagwaan = God, Lift Man 2

During my recent annual pilgrimage to the Hospital, owing to my Dad’s unwritten pact with the Medical community, I got a chance to spend more time in the Intensive Care Units, ICU (and more so in the lobby outside ICU) in one of the biggest hospitals at Bombay. I have been visiting these ICUs on a regular basis for quite some time now. Having covered these Units of some of the big & small hospitals of Bhopal, Indore and Mumbai, a few things appear common to all. The characters mentioned in the starting are common to almost all the ICUs, except for the persons playing these Characters.

Trying to sleep outside the ICU, in the lobby, amongst the snoring-sounds of other concerned relatives, I started cursing my fate in the middle of the night. This cursing started for the loss of sleep, which I attributed to uncomfortable Bed (a steel Chair), which I further attributed to insufficient provision for relatives & families of patients by the Hospital management, which was further attributed to my Dad’s illness (owing to which I was in the hospital), which in turn was my misfortune… and finally the God was found to be responsible for everything bad happening in my life – due to which I was not able to have a good night’s sleep… I wanted to scream “Bhagwaan mere peechhe kyun pade ho?”… What for am I made to suffer outside an ICU… year after year after year??... a lot of similar questions were thumping on my mind, with my eyes closed… senses awake…

… Suddenly I heard a loud voice… could be heard only by me – loud & clear, as if coming through an earphone… “Why are you cursing me?”… “who’s that?” I retorted?... “Arre… I am the God…your Bhagwaan… have come to meet you”… my senses further shaken-up, I asked – “… is this ICU the only place where I can SEE YOU, may be that’s why it’s called ICU?”… God said… “No, rather this is the place where I see you.”… I opened my eyes to find nobody standing anywhere in the lobby… still, I made myself believe that it was indeed the God I was arguing with… still doubting that, I almost shouted… “if you are seeing me then why the hell am I (and my Dad) suffering so much?... and why can’t I see you still”… God replied, “it’s not you alone who are suffering… look at others in this ICU… and you are seeing me so many times during the day… I ‘call’ you here to see me… and realise and accept ‘I See You’…” I didn’t know how to argue and thought I’ll try and verify whatever God said… had a nice sleep after that, being confident that God is seeing me here and so am I… ‘ICU’ both ways.

Argument of the last night started my search for the God around me, next morning. I found the liftman – Shirke, the very first man next morning. Looking fresh for the morning shift. I tried impressing him with a smile hoping this exchange of smiles will yield some dividends when I’ll try to get into the lift during the day (without a pass). … God’s statement flashed in my mind “I ‘call’ you here to see me… and realise and accept ‘I See You’…”….. suddenly Shirke started looking like God. I thought may be its God who’s taking me, and many like me (who are suffering much more) to our patients, doctors, Canteen, Operation Theatres with a smile (and sometimes without a Pass)… the regard ceased the moment Shirke demanded ‘Saab… aap logon ko without Pass itna oopar neeche le ke jaata… hamara Chai-pani bhi toh socho!’… I disembarked from the lift, with a broader smile, somewhat challenging that of Shirke… sitting outside the ICU, I was wondering, questioning – I still can’t see you. 

I was sitting in the lobby... a voice with a southy accent shrieked - "1064 ke saath kawn hai?"... I murmured, idhar sabke saath Bhagwaan hai... she repeated "... 1064.." and I suddenly realised it was my Dad's bed number and I was with 1064... I rushed to her, reading the Name-Card which read Sister Nancy Nair. She said I have been attending your Dad since last night... "Jao abhi cleaning & sponge ke liye Mausi ko bulao"... I went to the 'Mausi-Room' on 5th Floor and enquired about the Mausi on Duty for assisting Sis Nancy. One middle-aged Mausi accompanied me in the lift,on her own she started murmuring ... "dekho Babu, hum logon ko kya life hai, jitna apun ke ghar-parivaar wale logon ki care nahin karte, tum logon ki karte hain..." ... I thought.."this is it"... dekho Bhagwaan kitne alag-alag roopon mein milta hai... she concluded her murmur with... " Babu per day 50 Rs. ke hisaab se de dena"... "Aage aapki khushi, mangte hum log kisi se nahn hai"... I thought Bhagwaan is checking my belief again and again...

I was quite impressed by sisters Nancy Nair's & Suby Verghese's support and care of all my Dad's requirements & medication. It is an established fact now that almost 85-90 percent of beautiful-working-Mallu women are professional nurses, the not-so-good looking fat girls join Movies! I used to admire their dedication, day & night taking care of injections, ventilator, bio-prep, medicines, tests ... at times I used to think while lying on the floor at midnight... these sisters were more than my Dad's real sisters, while I was trying to sleep at night they used to try to keep awake so that they don't miss out any observations related to my Dad... I thought for a moment "That's how you find God among humans"... then I was handed over a Bill one morning before the Doctor's visit, to pay in Cash... on enquiry Sister Verghese told me that they had to order those medicines from a chemist outside the hospital... the same thing continued for the next 5 days before I intervened by asking for a Doctor's prescription... hope of finding God was waning yet again... I screamed inside... "Bhagwaan tum ho kahaan??"... I was calming myself down when a hoarse voice instructed all the attendants " ... ab shaam saat baje ke pahle koi nahin aana... yahaan hospital mein doctors, nurses sabko dekhtey rahtey hain... ye ICU hai... itni gardi nahin chahiye idhar.."  I tried my best to agree to his declaration... my Dad had also started improving and was feeling much better now on the 7th day... he was actually seeing his God in Dr Prakash Gaikwad, MD. Out of his new found confidence and excitement, he requested Dr Gaikwad in a self-assuring way "... Sir, is baar mera full check-up karwa do... kahin kuchh complication na rah jaaye..." ... instead of assuring a recovering patient, Dr decided to grab the opportunity with both the hands and all the hands of his colleagues from Cardiology, ENT, Medicine, Gastroenterology etc... all the 'Gods' combined, started trying their bests to rescue my Dad from the 'evils'... with a considerable price-tag though... I could do nothing except "Hey Bhagwaan!"... my search continued...  Rathoreji probably read my sufferings & frustration and approached me one night... "Aapko Saify Hospital jaana chahiye tha, udhar wo loag itna nahin loot-te... " understanding his intent, I questioned him ..." kya Rathoreji, aap 8 saal se idhar ho... apne Hospital ke khilaaf bol rahe ho?"... Rathoreji sympathized, "... arre saab abhi ek-do din mein aap ke papa ko ye loag discharge karengey... mere do-teen sau rupaye ke liye main apko mis-guide to nahin karoonga na... toh agle baar idhar nahin aana..."... I understood his intent but was afraid of his anticipation.

Dad finally got discharged after almost 11 days in ICU and two days in a private ward. Shirke was the man who met me most often during this period... he was bound to be most 'hopeful'... after dropping my Dad into the Ambulance, he 'accompanied' me to 'assist' in settling the final dues... frustrated in flashes, I murmured... "har cheez mein saala dikkat hai... Abhi Bhagwaan kahin raha hi nahin...", understanding my angst and not probably my frustration, Shirke replied "Abhi Bhagwan se kya kaam phans raha hai saab aapka... mere saath lift-man tha... tabiyat theek nahin rahti thi... idhar bahut pressure-job hai saab, usko sambhalne ko bilkul nahin hota tha... abhi do saal hua Retirement liya..."... I settled my Bills, Shirke diligently put all the papers in a File and handed it over to me. Without even looking into his eyes I put a crumpled 100 Rs. note in his hand whispering 'Thank You'... Shirke informed me "saab hum loag teen loag hain... teeno shift main" ... Looking straight into his eyes now, I tucked another 100 Rs note into his shirt-pocket and started moving... thinking my meeting with the God was only a dream probably... he & me were yet to come face-to-face... but then there was still some belief that he was seeing me all through these days in & around ICU... hope in my Dad's eyes corroborated my belief to an extent...

I was probably looking for God in humans I came across... I was trying to find him in their dedication, service, assurance, sympathy.... let's accept it-we are not Gods, we only carry a part of him which we exhibit as per our conveniences - we have individually defined 'Nobility'... our greeds have far exceeded our worths... Bhagwaan bhi kab tak sambhalega, achchha hua retire ho gaya! 

Classifieds

Recently my Chachaji placed two advertisements in the classified columns of a Hindi daily – Dainik Bhaskar. One for selling of his flat at Indore and other for the matrimony of his son. Following are the advertisements placed on the SAME day:

1. A Luxurious flat having area of about 1800 Sq Ft in a posh locality in Indore with all the modern amenities, fully furnished kitchen and semi-furnished rooms is available for outright purchase. Flat is at G-1, Nav Regency, Near BCC House, Manoramaganj, Indore 452001.

Contact : S K Verma, Ph. 098xxxxxx34.

2. Bride wanted for my worthy son 28/182/25K, Visual Affect Artist, working for Films and TV Serials in a reputed company at Mumbai. Sub-caste no bar. No Dowry. Local Offers preferred.

Contact : S K Verma, Ph. 098xxxxxx34.

Here’s a look at the ensuing telephonic discussions that followed.

First Call

Trin-Trinnn…

Chachaji : Hellowwww…..

Caller 1 : Saab… wo advertisement padha… us sambandh mein baat karna chahta tha…

Chachaji : Haanji….kahiye…kaun bol rahe hain…

Caller 1 : …. Saab… B K Nigam bol raha hoon… (cutting short) achcha saab… height wagerah kya hai….

Chachaji : haan saab Normal se thodi kam height hai… kareeb 8 feet hai… par comfortable hai….

Caller 1 : …. Kya saab… 8 feet… kam hai….??

Chachaji : haan saab… par Area zyada hai na… to height itni kam nahin lagti….

Caller 1 : hamari family mein sabki height thodi kam hai… ab dekiye… hamari ladkiyon ki height hi 5’1” hai….

Chachaji : arre… toh aap logon ke liye toh aur achcha hai… bahut comfortable rahega… 8 feet mein aap logon ko koi odd nahin lagega…

Caller 1 : … saab agar dekhna chahein toh??....

Chachaji : …. Haan haan kyon nahin saab…. Aajkal ye G-1 Dashrath (Watchman of the Building) ke havale hai… pichhle paanch saalon se, jabse hum log Bombay shift huey hain…

Caller 1 : … waah saab… aap kaafi dharmik aur adhyatmik type ke aadmi lagte hain… aajkal kaun jeevan aur Dashrath ki baat karta hai!

Chachaji : … haan saab… hamare yahan toh anda bhi nahin khaate…

Caller 1 : … par saab hum toh sab khate hain… betiyon ko bhi non-veg bahut pasand hai…

Chachaji : … toh kya hua saab… ek baar aapko de diya to aap jo chahe banayein-khilayein…

Caller 1 : … waah saab… aap bahut khule vicharon waale lagte hain… waise aap logon ki ummeed kya hai?

Chachaji : … saab zyada to nahin… par 50 Lakh ki ummeed to kar hi rahe hain…

Caller 1 : hmm… saab 50 toh thoda zyada hai… dekhiye koshish karengey… wo to aamne –saamne baithengey toh baat karengey…par achcha lagaa aapse baat kar ke… par saab aapne aisa kyon likha hai… ‘Local Offers Preferred’

Chachaji : …. Arre Nigam saab, waise hamein toh aisa koi rservation nahin hai.. par aap hi logically sochiye, koi Morena se aakar toh Indore mein makaan nahin lega na???

Caller 1 : … achcha kara saab bata diya… hum log bhi Morena se hi hain… par phir bhi baat-cheet kuchh samajh main nahin aayi!!!

Chachaji : … chaliye aap dekhne to aaiye… sab details discuss ho jayengey… (murmuring… ye Nigam ki baat zyada samajh mein nahin aayi!... milengey toh dekhengey… )

Second Call

Trin-Trinnnn…..

Chachaji : Hellowwww…..

Caller 2 : Saab… wo advertisement padha… us sambandh mein baat karna chahta tha…

Chachaji : Haanji….kahiye…kaun bol rahe hain…

Caller 2 : …. Saab… Indore se Sood bol raha hoon… Height, Area wagerah kya hai….

Chachaji : haan saab Normal se thodi zyada height hai… kareeb 6 feet hogi… weight 90 ke aas paas hoga

Caller 2 : …. saab… (murmuring) matlab 90 Sq Mtr…matlab lagbhag 1000 sq ft…. haan samajh gaya… theek hai…

Chachaji : haan saab… par 90 pe height itni zyada nahin lagti…. Proportionate hi lagti hai…

Caller 2 : … par saab height 6 feet thodi kam lagti hai… aajkal 8 feet tak toh acceptable ho gaya hai ….

Chachaji : arre… kya baat kar rahe hain saab… aajkal achche achche model, cricketers sab 6 feet ke aas paas hain…. 6 feet koi odd thodi lagta hai…

Caller 2 : … saab agar dekhna chahein toh??....

Chachaji : …. Haan haan kyon nahin saab…. Waise agle Saturday hum log Indore aa rahe hain… nahin toh aap log hamare ghar Bombay aa jaiye…. Ghar ka bhi idea ho jayega

Caller 2 : … saab… yahin Indore mein mil lenge… ab wahan Mumbai kaun aayega … aap logon ko bhi baar baar pareshani

Chachaji : … arre saab… kaisi pareshani… relation ho jayega toh kaisi pareshani

Caller 2 : … waah Verma saab… aap bahut khule vicharon waale lagte hain… waise aap logon ki ummeed kya hai?

Chachaji : … saab kya ummeed karengey… bas function badhiya kar dijiye… baki koi demand nahin hai… jo aap kar denge theek hai…

Caller 2 : hmm… saab itni badi deal hogi to function th badhiya ho hi jayega… aajkal aise log bache hi kitne hain… bahut achcha lagaa aapse baat kar ke…

Chachaji : …. Achcha Sood saab…. Aapki bitiya kya karti hai…

Caller 2 : … arre nahin nahin Verma saab… bitiya ki toh shaadi ho gayi do saal pahle,Canada mein hai… makaan mujhe apne liye hi lena hai!!!..

Chachaji hangs-up the phone!!!