मेवों की मनुहार

This is a post dedicated to my wife. As most of you know by now, I am from a highly conservative & a traditional family. Living in a joint family, Me & Wife don't even get a chance to talk to each other in presence of other family members. This Deepawali, while trying to burst an Agarbatti-timed-Sootli Bomb in our living room, I annoyed my wife inadvertently. She wasn't infuriated on my attempt at bursting the Bomb right in the Living Room... rather she got upset as the Bomb turned out to be 'Phussi-Bomb'...this yet again reinforced her 7 yr-old opinion about me… “तुमसे कुछ नहीं हो सकता”… she has quite frequently used this statement - at times directly, at times under the garb of some other relatively polite or wild words. As already told, we cannot look into each others eyes while in home, taking the advantage of Deepawali I tried using the Fruits & Dry-Fruits 'presented' (under coercion) to me by some Shri Preetam Lal Soni, as metaphors. Embarrassed to even tell her, I am posting it here

मेवों की मनुहार

ज़रा सी बात थी , दिवाली की रात थी
मन थोड़ा घबराया... फिर एक विचार आया
सबकी नज़रों से बचाते हुए
कुछ संभलते हुए, कुछ सकुचाते हुए
छील कर सूतली-बम की बत्ती
साथ बाँध दी अगरबत्ती
... लगाई अगरबत्ती में आग और
लिविंग-रूम में सोफे के पीछे रख
गया किचन में भाग।
हर बार की तरह,
किस्मत ने दिया दगा
सूतली-बम से भी गया ठगा!
... तुमसे नज़रें चुरा इधर-उधर भागा
मौका देख तुमने भी दागा
"तुमसे कुछ नहीं हो सकता"
उफ़! ये दाग मैं उम्र भर नहीं धो सकता!

तबसे हाल है बेहद बुरा, क्या बताऊँ ?
मायूस हूँ... तुमसे नज़रें कैसे मिलाऊं
बस 'प्रीतम लाल ' के तोहफे मेरे साथ हैं
दीपावली के सारे मेवे उदास हैं
सूख-सूख के अंगूर किशमिश हो गया
खजूर पिचक के छुआरा हुआ जा रहा
अखरोट को ख़ुद में दिखती है खोट
आलूबुखारे को भी बुखार आ रहा
अपने आंसुओँ से ही काजू नमकीन हो गया
पिस्ता ग़म में दिनों-दिन पिसता जा रहा
अंजीर ने पेट में मार लिया खंजर
बादाम का भी लगभग दम निकला जा रहा
इक बार बस नज़र भर के देख लो
सब दूध में कूद जायेंगे
... ग़र तुम मिल्क-शेक लो।
मुझसे भी ज़्यादा शायद तुमसे प्यार करते हैं
देखो, ये सारे किस तरह मनुहार करते हैं

मान जाओ, आख़िर बेचारे कब तक मनाएंगे
सूतली-बम फुस्सी निकल गया तो क्या हुआ
चलो अपन साँप-की-गोली जलाएंगे।

रिश्तों में आत्मीयता से,
सम्बन्ध निश्चय मधुर होंगे

उम्मीद के झिलमिल दीपों से,
हर पथ अब प्रकाशमान होगा

उत्साह-उमंग की फुल्झडियां,
कोने-कोने में छूटेंगी

उल्लास और मुस्कानों से,
तमस अब पूर्ण ख़तम होगा

"शुभ दीपावली"

Pig Baas (16+)

Overheard a discussion among Eunuchs, waiting for a Dadar bound train at Borivili Railway Station... as generally observed, this lot is mostly up-to-date with what's happening around the country (lately...around the world!), be it Politics, Economy, Corporate affairs, Religion, Peace, Science & Technology.... Bollywood, Fashion and what not!... this community is most famous for hitting below the belt, generally ...but.... as the discussion got 'informative & interesting', I missed a few trains... the main participants included Kammo, Pappi, Dilruba & Chandni ... here are the excerpts :

Pappi : ae Ruby (Dilruba) ... wo aajkal Big Baas dekhti hai tu... kitta achha kar rahe hain naa re wo log...
Kammo : Achha... kya achcha kar rahe hai ri... tere ko kya achcha lag gaya usmein... poore time wo Rahul ek-ek laundi ke peechhe laga rahta hai... kya achha karr rahe ye log?
Pappi : ae...e....e.... wo log ek- ek ko nikaal nikaal ke kitta achha kar rahe hain re... saari gandagi ghar ke bahar karte ja rahe hain...
Dilruba : ae... to tere ko woi achha lag gaya .... tu bhi kamaal hai... Faizabad se bumbai aa ke tere ko yei achha lagne ka tha kya?
Pappi : arre...e... Ruby tere bheje main shaadi... bachcha...khatna...phitna... is ke siwa kuchh ghusta hai kya kabhi?
Chandni : arre tu dhande ko beech mein kyun laati re Pappi... usi ki to roti khate na apan.. usi ke waaste mein Main Guntur se idhar bumbai aai na!
Pappi : arre..e.... usi ki khatir to main aur Kammo bhi Nagpur se bumbai aa ke rukke na re... par main kahti thi..ye Big Baas waale kitna seedha tareeka nikale re Gandagi ghar ke baahar karne ka...
Kammo : haan... wo to tu waajib boli re Pappi... soch.. apan ka desh ek bada sa Big Baas type ghar ho to apan milke kisko kisko baahar karengey?... chalo re nominate kartey hain...
Dilruba : dekh waisa bole toh abhi saari ikonaamy ki waat laga ke rakhe ye log... abhi us din main galti se Gents First class dibbe main chadh gayi to mere toh saare khwab phuss ho gaye re.. wo sab tie laga ke baat karte the ki puri duniya ki ikonaamy ki waat lagi padi hai... bolte they sabka paisa jo jidhar jama kiya.. abhi aadha ho gaya... main bhaag ke Tabassum aapa ke paas gayi wo apney Mutual fund agent ko phone lagai to wo bhi bataya ki uska saade teen laakh abhi do laakh bhi nahin bacha tha... mere toh saare khwaab hi phuss ho gaye...
Chandni : ... haan re... samajh le apan ka desh ek Big Baas ka ghar hai... bole toh apan isko 'Pig Baas' ka ghar maan lein... dekh Pappi ... main bolti hai... ki ye ghar main bahut saare Pig pade huey hain... aur mahul mein bahut baas hai...toh agar tere ko is ghar se ek-ek pig ko baahar karne ko bolun toh tum log kaun logon ko nominate karte?

Kammo : ...dekh mera sabse pehla nomination hoga.....
1. Investment Advisors : Ye log saala teen-chaar saal pahle aa ke Tabassum aapa ko bole tumhare 3 laakh rupaye do... 2-3 saal mein double karke dengey... hum log ikonaamy ka bahut analysis kiya hain... aur purane 5 saal mein logon ka paisa itna badh gaya hai... saala teen saal baad paisa utna ka utna hi hai abhi... kya padhai-likhai-analysis kiye ye log re??

Pappi : ... mere ko poochhegi toh mere ko politics ki much-much bilkul jamti nahin, main nominate karegi..
2. Mamta Banerjee : ... wo dekh Singur mein faltu lafda kari na wo... usko kuchh maloom nahin aur dharna-andolan kar di.... logon ko udhar naukri nahin... khane ko roti nahin... dekh Singur-Midnapore se log hamare dhande mein aaye toh idhar kitna competition badhega... Mamta udhar andolan karegi to idhar hamare roti ke vaande hotey... tu kisko baahar phekengi Chandni ?

Chandni : ae...tum log mere ko poochhegi to main Bollywood mein se pakdegi...
3. Ram Gopal Verma : ... ae Ramu dekh aajkal kya kya banata hai... Factory banaya to maal bhi factory maafik ek jaisaa nikaal raha hai... Sarkar- Sarkar Raj... Darna Mana hai- Darna Zaroori hai.... Vaastu-Shastra-Phoonk... arre... ye saari khunnas picture mein nikalta hai ... phir dekh iski picture mein aajkal shaadi-byaah ke gaane bhi nahin hote... kitni dikkat jaati hum logon ko naye gaane dhoondne mein... hamari prablam kaun samajhta idhar?

Dilruba : ...dekh Shabnam aapa se poochhna, main suru se khiladi rahi hoon... ek baar Bhopal mein Mangalwara aur Budhwara ke kirket match mein main Budhwara ki taraf se fast bowler kheli thi...log mere ko Sarpati bolte they... par India team mein main suru se Dada ki taraf rahi hoon... mera nomination hoga :
4. Cricket Selectors : ... ae..e... Pappi tu dekhi... jo apne time main kirket main fail huey na woi sab selectors bante hain... Raju... More... Yadav... Hirwani.... kitna teer maare re ye log??... BCCI mein saare neta log daal ke rakkhe ye log... kaun kirket khela in sab mein?... is se achcha toh Shabnam aapa aur Bittan ko selector lete ho theek hota tha re... abhi ye log Dada ki jaan ke peechhe pade hain... helmet mein se uski kaan ke baaju safed baal dikhe to bole Dada budhaa gaya hai.. abhi retire hona chahiye!... par Pappi tu TV mein se bhi kisi ko nominate karne waali thi na??

Pappi : .... dekh Ruby... mujhey poochhegi toh mera... raat 10 baje TV phodney ka man karta hai ... saala din bhar dhandha kar ke ghar ko aati hai toh ye saare channels pe Murder-birder karke rakhtey hain...
5. Crime Reports & Breaking News : ... dekh ye log dus baje baad crime... murder... aisa glamour daal ke dikhaatey na... ki Chhumman us din zid pakdi ki wo 'ye' imaandaari ka dhandha chhod ke yahi sab karegi.... bolti hai waisa bhi wo daadhi waala halkat screen mein se apne munh pe aake poochhta hai "... ye sab jo murder... loot... rape ho raha hai iska zimmedaar kaun hai... kya aapne apne aap se ye kabhi poochha hai?..".... to mujhe ek baar to yahi feeling aati hai ki main hi shayad ye sab ke liye jummewaar hai... jab bina kar ke itni badnaami ho rahi hai ... to ye sab karke hi main famous ho jayegi!... bolti hai... kabhi Mahesh Bhatt dekha to Emraan Hashmi ki jagah chance ban sakta hai...

... main bhi sochti hai ki wo kabhi kabhi theek sochti hai... dekh Ruby.. ye log jo Breaking News.... Breaking News karke din bhar dikhatey naa... mera dil TV break karne ka karta re... jo subah 8 baje News break hui ... usko raat 10 baje tak Breaking News karke dikhatey re... dekh Chandni tu bhi manegi... Gauna ho kar ladki waapas aayi toh hum log apna neng maangne ko nahin jaate... purani hui bolke... par ye log ke dhandhey mein koi imaan-dharam baaki bacha nahin lagta... tereko maloom Breaking News mein us din dikha rahe they "Debojeet Big Boss se Baahar hua"... ek din toh Breaking News mein dikhaya "Sooar ke bachchon ko Kutiya paal rahi hai".... aisey dekhe toh Chhumman ko bhi Bilqis aapa paali hai... ye Breaking News hui kya.. bol Kammo?

Kammo : ... dekh mere ko poochhegi to main Himmesh ko bhi nominate kar sakti hai...
6. Himesh Reshammiya :... dekh... waisey toh main Himmesh ko bahut maanti hai... wo hum logon ko kitna 'maal' deta hai aajkal... uskey gaane yaad karne ko kitney easy padte re.... ek word ko hi solah baar repeat kiya toh aadha gaana ho jaata hai... dekh tann nnn....nnna nnnnna naaa.... Tandoori Nights.. ye main us din Tardeo mein wo Gujrati ke ghar gayi thi... dekh wo saare gaane humko easy hone ke hisaab se banaya .... assalaam vaalekum... vaalekum assalaam.... ya phir...aa..aaa...aaa..aashiqui mein teri...ja..jaaa.....jaayegi jaan meri....

Pappi : phir tu usko baahar kyun karti hai?
Kammo : ... dekh mere ko uski acting se problem hai... kabhi acting karta hai... kabhi nahin... abhi tak pata nahin chala... wo Sa Re Ga Ma Pa mein..... excellent, fantastic, mindblowing tak hi theek hai re... uskey aagey wo acting karta hai toh Real lagne lagta hai re... aisi acting ka kya faayda.. bol.... ae...Chandni kab se munh sil ke baithee tu... bol na?

Chandni : ...ae... dekh main toh abhi bahut pareshan chal rahi hai... mere ko Dubai jaane ke liye Passport banwaane ka hai... par Raashan Card banwaane mein hi kitna problem kar rahe ye log...
7. Sarkaari Babu : ... dekh ye log kitna corruption kar rahe hain... baat baat par paisa maangte re ye log... humko bhi peechhey chhodey re ye log... abhi main Raashan card ke liye BMC gayi to mera faarm bharne ke sau rupaye manga wo Babulal... Naam, Pataa, Baap ka Naam sab sahi batai... 'Sex' poochha toh mera bheja out ho gaya... main boli faarm bharney ke sau rupaye dee phir bhi faaltu baat karta hai... main halla macha dee...toh wo paas waala Mangtu Raam bola...arrey ye faarm main bharna padta hai... Sex bole toh Male ya female... main boli mere ko ispe doubt aata hai...dono lik doh... toh Babulal sau rupaye aur le liya... main boli na ye log baat baat pe paisa mangtey hain... sau sau rupaye mein ye log Male Female kar rahe hain... hum log faaltu itna paisa 'kharcha' karte re...

Dilruba : ... ae chalo re... ye inko baahar karne ke lafdey mein kitni train chhodey re hum log... chalo re... tum log kaun kidhar kidhar ja rahi hai...
Kammo : Main Bandra utroongi... wo Sachin 12000 run banaya na... uska neng abhi bachta hai... Anjali aaj bulai thi.. aur tu kidhar Pappi?
Pappi :... dekh...main pahle Dadar jayegi.. wo Raj ko Police chhod di na.. wo kuchh toh dega... dekh hum log sab doosre states se aaye hain phir bhi wo hum log ko kabhi 'nakko' nahin bola... tu kidhar nikal rahi Ruby?
Dilruba : ... main Juhu ja rahi hoon... Jeetuji ke ghar... wo Tushar ki picture Golmaal Returns hit hui na... Ekta, Jeetuji kuchh toh dengey... main pichhli baar bhi boli thi jab 'Shootout at Lokhandwala' hit hui thi... Tushar ko lead role nahin dogey to picture chal jayegi... is baar goonga kar diye to aur badi hit ho gayi!.... tu kahan ja rahi Chandni?
Chandni : .... main Himesh ke ghar ja rahi hoon... Andheri utroongi...
Kammo : ...par Himesh ke ghar kyun... Karzzz toh flop gayi na re?
Chandni : ....arrey ye to duniya ko maloom na... Himesh to abhi bhi samajh raha hai ki Karzzz supper-dupper hit ho gayi hai....

पतझड़ के टुकड़े

These are some of the verses scribed sometime in Feb'06... trying to depict the onset of Summer in India. This particular season falls between Spring (Basant) & Summer (Greeshm). Its an attempt to visualize and present the routine in an Indian Village and the changes in surroundings with the passage of Spring.

Its usually the season when school going children start preparing for their Final Exams.....its the season when the Water-levels in natural sources start drying-up... there are frequent power-cuts in villages... and married daughters start planning visits to their Parents (as Summer vacations of the kids are about to start)... Guddu, Kusum, Bhola etc are only the Metaphors!... as usual, Google is not supporting Hindi Language & fonts completely, please bear with some spelling errors...

पतझड़ के टुकड़े

हवा खुश्क, धूप गुनगुना रही है
बसंत का यौवन अब ढलता जा रहा है

खेतों की हरियाली उतरती जा रही है
पलाश सुर्ख हो इतरा रहा है

दिन खिंचते जा रहे हैं अब दिनोदिन
दोपहर का सन्नाटा पैर पसरा रहा है

गुड्डू किताबों के पन्ने पलटता है
परीक्षा का खौफ नज़दीक आ रहा है

कुएं की लम्बी रस्सी शहर से आ गई
पानी कुसुम से दूर हुआ जा रहा है

शामों का 'सरकारी अँधेरा' बढ़ने लगा है
भोला लालटेन चमका रहा है

माँ-बाप की आँखें भी अब पथराने लगी हैं
बेटी को पीहर से बुलावा आ रहा है

Ganpati Bappa Morya...

This year I got a chance to attend the famous 'Ganpati Visarjan' at the Girgaum Chaupati, Mumbai. The festival is now famous world over for its fervor, devotion and involvement. Everybody - right from the actual devotees to Celebrities to Film Stars to Brihan Mumbai Municipal Corporation (BMC) to various Political Parties to 'Bhai-log' to Street vendors to Eunuchs... wants his share of the pies of Blessings and Business. Everything aside, the 9 day long festival does have a distinct charm to it. People do rise above caste & creed to be a part of the festivities. The Drummers (Nagada Players) are mostly Muslims, the lorry drivers who drive the Ganesha Idols all the way from Pandaals to the beach for immersion are many a times Sikhs, the person announcing the arrivals of Ganpati from around the city with a high dose of melodrama atop a BMC tower, was a Christian. You rarely find a blend of so many Indian Religions and Sects joining a Religious Celebration with so much dedication.... that's probably how the late Bal Gangadhar Tilak must have planned it to be. To an extent, the festival has still been able to retain its Character. But, as all things are destined to, the Character has also been changing with times - for good & for bad. One thing is for sure, it’s certainly getting more and more commercialised. Almost all big & small pandaals are having sponsors ranging from the local Chaat-waala to big consumer brands. You will find a banner of 'Lachchu Mithai & Chaat Pakodi' alongside that of Cadburys, a banner of 'Dhamaka' Gutka alongside that of Wrigley's Double Mint Gum plus a banner mentioning that 'All the activities of this Pandaal are being telecast Live on CNN (Read it Chembur News Network)' . . But the promotional banners inside & outside the pandaals make for an interesting read while you are queued-up, sometimes, for 4-5 hours to have a darshan of your favorite Elephant-God. The discussions among the devotees, ahead & behind you in the queue, make up for the rest. Off late many a movie stars are thronging various pandaals for 'Blessings' from Ganpati. They will, however, bow for 5 seconds and then wave to hoards of fans for 25 minutes, remember all this is telecast live on CNN!... then there are some not-so-famous TV Stars. You get to know he/ she is a certain star the moment they start waving at the crowd, all by themselves.

Then there are some sidekicks of Political leaders who will move into a pandaal with their group of supporters and 'invite' some of the local & national TV Channels for an interview. The reporter, in all her humility, will start interviewing with an obvious question - What did you pray for... to Ganpati Bappa?... Depending on his political party, the 'Leader' in question will start with - The COUNTRY is facing a huge crisis in Bihar, owing to Floods & incessant rains and our Government in Bihar is putting in all possible efforts for the poor people of Bihar and I have prayed to Ganpati to protect OUR poor people from such Natural calamities.

Imagine all this happening at some Ganpati Pandaal somewhere in Ghatkopar. Next Question - What did u request for your own self?... and the 'leader' will reply... I want that MY people should not suffer because of the unfriendly policies of Central Government; I want that MY people should remain hale & healthy... I don’t want anything for myself.... this is selflessness to extreme!!... An outburst of slogans like Degu Bhai Patil zindabad... Aapla manoos Degu Bhai... amidst some chants of 'Ganpati Bappa Morya' from his supporters. Get ready for a group of Eunuchs in Pandaal, Dressed up & made up as if attending a marriage, the kamlas, Rekhas, Hemas & Madhuris, while in queue and having Darshans, will make a statement on everything big and small. You may not get where their discussion is heading to but it will be interspersed with "Ae..e... dhakka kaiko deta hai"...Peechhla baar main Ganpati mein wo georgette saari lee thi na, wo abhi tak sambhaal ke rakkhi hoon, ek baar koi saari Ganpati mein pahin kar aaye to wo dharam-karam ka saari hota na re Hema... Ae...e dhakka kaiko deta hai.... I can have a separate post on conversations between Eunuchs, if public demands.

Then there are some old fellows who get into the queue probably to admonish the 'young generation' and blame everything to God. Even Ganpati is not spared. Even mismanagement in Pandaals will be blamed on Ganpati. "Kya bolega bhau, Oopar waala jaisa chala raha hai duniya waisa chal raha hai"... After repeated blames even I am forced to think WHY the things are happening the way they are?... Why the petroleum prices are rising? - May be God wills that there should be less Pollution on the Roads. Why is there so much Violence in Movies? - May be God wills that we should see the and satisfy our appetite for Violence in Movies and not indulge ourselves in the same. Why is Salman Khan not getting married? - May be God wants to let some of our Parents know & accept that Celibacy has its own advantages!!!

While in queue, a whole variety of questions keep coming to my mind... then I reach in front of the Ganpati Idol... mesmerised by the Idol, decoration and atmosphere… a question hits - Why one of the heaviest Gods has chosen one of the smallest animal (a mouse) to ride on? - May be Ganpati wants to put across - if there is a belief and confidence we can pull-off a lot heavier and bigger things in life which initially seem way beyond our abilities.

Ganpati Bappa Morya, Pudhcha varshi lavkar ya!...

Click on Pictures to enlarge.
Photographs : Samsible