Pig Baas (16+)

Overheard a discussion among Eunuchs, waiting for a Dadar bound train at Borivili Railway Station... as generally observed, this lot is mostly up-to-date with what's happening around the country (lately...around the world!), be it Politics, Economy, Corporate affairs, Religion, Peace, Science & Technology.... Bollywood, Fashion and what not!... this community is most famous for hitting below the belt, generally ...but.... as the discussion got 'informative & interesting', I missed a few trains... the main participants included Kammo, Pappi, Dilruba & Chandni ... here are the excerpts :

Pappi : ae Ruby (Dilruba) ... wo aajkal Big Baas dekhti hai tu... kitta achha kar rahe hain naa re wo log...
Kammo : Achha... kya achcha kar rahe hai ri... tere ko kya achcha lag gaya usmein... poore time wo Rahul ek-ek laundi ke peechhe laga rahta hai... kya achha karr rahe ye log?
Pappi : ae...e....e.... wo log ek- ek ko nikaal nikaal ke kitta achha kar rahe hain re... saari gandagi ghar ke bahar karte ja rahe hain...
Dilruba : ae... to tere ko woi achha lag gaya .... tu bhi kamaal hai... Faizabad se bumbai aa ke tere ko yei achha lagne ka tha kya?
Pappi : arre...e... Ruby tere bheje main shaadi... bachcha...khatna...phitna... is ke siwa kuchh ghusta hai kya kabhi?
Chandni : arre tu dhande ko beech mein kyun laati re Pappi... usi ki to roti khate na apan.. usi ke waaste mein Main Guntur se idhar bumbai aai na!
Pappi : arre..e.... usi ki khatir to main aur Kammo bhi Nagpur se bumbai aa ke rukke na re... par main kahti thi..ye Big Baas waale kitna seedha tareeka nikale re Gandagi ghar ke baahar karne ka...
Kammo : haan... wo to tu waajib boli re Pappi... soch.. apan ka desh ek bada sa Big Baas type ghar ho to apan milke kisko kisko baahar karengey?... chalo re nominate kartey hain...
Dilruba : dekh waisa bole toh abhi saari ikonaamy ki waat laga ke rakhe ye log... abhi us din main galti se Gents First class dibbe main chadh gayi to mere toh saare khwab phuss ho gaye re.. wo sab tie laga ke baat karte the ki puri duniya ki ikonaamy ki waat lagi padi hai... bolte they sabka paisa jo jidhar jama kiya.. abhi aadha ho gaya... main bhaag ke Tabassum aapa ke paas gayi wo apney Mutual fund agent ko phone lagai to wo bhi bataya ki uska saade teen laakh abhi do laakh bhi nahin bacha tha... mere toh saare khwaab hi phuss ho gaye...
Chandni : ... haan re... samajh le apan ka desh ek Big Baas ka ghar hai... bole toh apan isko 'Pig Baas' ka ghar maan lein... dekh Pappi ... main bolti hai... ki ye ghar main bahut saare Pig pade huey hain... aur mahul mein bahut baas hai...toh agar tere ko is ghar se ek-ek pig ko baahar karne ko bolun toh tum log kaun logon ko nominate karte?

Kammo : ...dekh mera sabse pehla nomination hoga.....
1. Investment Advisors : Ye log saala teen-chaar saal pahle aa ke Tabassum aapa ko bole tumhare 3 laakh rupaye do... 2-3 saal mein double karke dengey... hum log ikonaamy ka bahut analysis kiya hain... aur purane 5 saal mein logon ka paisa itna badh gaya hai... saala teen saal baad paisa utna ka utna hi hai abhi... kya padhai-likhai-analysis kiye ye log re??

Pappi : ... mere ko poochhegi toh mere ko politics ki much-much bilkul jamti nahin, main nominate karegi..
2. Mamta Banerjee : ... wo dekh Singur mein faltu lafda kari na wo... usko kuchh maloom nahin aur dharna-andolan kar di.... logon ko udhar naukri nahin... khane ko roti nahin... dekh Singur-Midnapore se log hamare dhande mein aaye toh idhar kitna competition badhega... Mamta udhar andolan karegi to idhar hamare roti ke vaande hotey... tu kisko baahar phekengi Chandni ?

Chandni : ae...tum log mere ko poochhegi to main Bollywood mein se pakdegi...
3. Ram Gopal Verma : ... ae Ramu dekh aajkal kya kya banata hai... Factory banaya to maal bhi factory maafik ek jaisaa nikaal raha hai... Sarkar- Sarkar Raj... Darna Mana hai- Darna Zaroori hai.... Vaastu-Shastra-Phoonk... arre... ye saari khunnas picture mein nikalta hai ... phir dekh iski picture mein aajkal shaadi-byaah ke gaane bhi nahin hote... kitni dikkat jaati hum logon ko naye gaane dhoondne mein... hamari prablam kaun samajhta idhar?

Dilruba : ...dekh Shabnam aapa se poochhna, main suru se khiladi rahi hoon... ek baar Bhopal mein Mangalwara aur Budhwara ke kirket match mein main Budhwara ki taraf se fast bowler kheli thi...log mere ko Sarpati bolte they... par India team mein main suru se Dada ki taraf rahi hoon... mera nomination hoga :
4. Cricket Selectors : ... ae..e... Pappi tu dekhi... jo apne time main kirket main fail huey na woi sab selectors bante hain... Raju... More... Yadav... Hirwani.... kitna teer maare re ye log??... BCCI mein saare neta log daal ke rakkhe ye log... kaun kirket khela in sab mein?... is se achcha toh Shabnam aapa aur Bittan ko selector lete ho theek hota tha re... abhi ye log Dada ki jaan ke peechhe pade hain... helmet mein se uski kaan ke baaju safed baal dikhe to bole Dada budhaa gaya hai.. abhi retire hona chahiye!... par Pappi tu TV mein se bhi kisi ko nominate karne waali thi na??

Pappi : .... dekh Ruby... mujhey poochhegi toh mera... raat 10 baje TV phodney ka man karta hai ... saala din bhar dhandha kar ke ghar ko aati hai toh ye saare channels pe Murder-birder karke rakhtey hain...
5. Crime Reports & Breaking News : ... dekh ye log dus baje baad crime... murder... aisa glamour daal ke dikhaatey na... ki Chhumman us din zid pakdi ki wo 'ye' imaandaari ka dhandha chhod ke yahi sab karegi.... bolti hai waisa bhi wo daadhi waala halkat screen mein se apne munh pe aake poochhta hai "... ye sab jo murder... loot... rape ho raha hai iska zimmedaar kaun hai... kya aapne apne aap se ye kabhi poochha hai?..".... to mujhe ek baar to yahi feeling aati hai ki main hi shayad ye sab ke liye jummewaar hai... jab bina kar ke itni badnaami ho rahi hai ... to ye sab karke hi main famous ho jayegi!... bolti hai... kabhi Mahesh Bhatt dekha to Emraan Hashmi ki jagah chance ban sakta hai...

... main bhi sochti hai ki wo kabhi kabhi theek sochti hai... dekh Ruby.. ye log jo Breaking News.... Breaking News karke din bhar dikhatey naa... mera dil TV break karne ka karta re... jo subah 8 baje News break hui ... usko raat 10 baje tak Breaking News karke dikhatey re... dekh Chandni tu bhi manegi... Gauna ho kar ladki waapas aayi toh hum log apna neng maangne ko nahin jaate... purani hui bolke... par ye log ke dhandhey mein koi imaan-dharam baaki bacha nahin lagta... tereko maloom Breaking News mein us din dikha rahe they "Debojeet Big Boss se Baahar hua"... ek din toh Breaking News mein dikhaya "Sooar ke bachchon ko Kutiya paal rahi hai".... aisey dekhe toh Chhumman ko bhi Bilqis aapa paali hai... ye Breaking News hui kya.. bol Kammo?

Kammo : ... dekh mere ko poochhegi to main Himmesh ko bhi nominate kar sakti hai...
6. Himesh Reshammiya :... dekh... waisey toh main Himmesh ko bahut maanti hai... wo hum logon ko kitna 'maal' deta hai aajkal... uskey gaane yaad karne ko kitney easy padte re.... ek word ko hi solah baar repeat kiya toh aadha gaana ho jaata hai... dekh tann nnn....nnna nnnnna naaa.... Tandoori Nights.. ye main us din Tardeo mein wo Gujrati ke ghar gayi thi... dekh wo saare gaane humko easy hone ke hisaab se banaya .... assalaam vaalekum... vaalekum assalaam.... ya phir...aa..aaa...aaa..aashiqui mein teri...ja..jaaa.....jaayegi jaan meri....

Pappi : phir tu usko baahar kyun karti hai?
Kammo : ... dekh mere ko uski acting se problem hai... kabhi acting karta hai... kabhi nahin... abhi tak pata nahin chala... wo Sa Re Ga Ma Pa mein..... excellent, fantastic, mindblowing tak hi theek hai re... uskey aagey wo acting karta hai toh Real lagne lagta hai re... aisi acting ka kya faayda.. bol.... ae...Chandni kab se munh sil ke baithee tu... bol na?

Chandni : ...ae... dekh main toh abhi bahut pareshan chal rahi hai... mere ko Dubai jaane ke liye Passport banwaane ka hai... par Raashan Card banwaane mein hi kitna problem kar rahe ye log...
7. Sarkaari Babu : ... dekh ye log kitna corruption kar rahe hain... baat baat par paisa maangte re ye log... humko bhi peechhey chhodey re ye log... abhi main Raashan card ke liye BMC gayi to mera faarm bharne ke sau rupaye manga wo Babulal... Naam, Pataa, Baap ka Naam sab sahi batai... 'Sex' poochha toh mera bheja out ho gaya... main boli faarm bharney ke sau rupaye dee phir bhi faaltu baat karta hai... main halla macha dee...toh wo paas waala Mangtu Raam bola...arrey ye faarm main bharna padta hai... Sex bole toh Male ya female... main boli mere ko ispe doubt aata hai...dono lik doh... toh Babulal sau rupaye aur le liya... main boli na ye log baat baat pe paisa mangtey hain... sau sau rupaye mein ye log Male Female kar rahe hain... hum log faaltu itna paisa 'kharcha' karte re...

Dilruba : ... ae chalo re... ye inko baahar karne ke lafdey mein kitni train chhodey re hum log... chalo re... tum log kaun kidhar kidhar ja rahi hai...
Kammo : Main Bandra utroongi... wo Sachin 12000 run banaya na... uska neng abhi bachta hai... Anjali aaj bulai thi.. aur tu kidhar Pappi?
Pappi :... dekh...main pahle Dadar jayegi.. wo Raj ko Police chhod di na.. wo kuchh toh dega... dekh hum log sab doosre states se aaye hain phir bhi wo hum log ko kabhi 'nakko' nahin bola... tu kidhar nikal rahi Ruby?
Dilruba : ... main Juhu ja rahi hoon... Jeetuji ke ghar... wo Tushar ki picture Golmaal Returns hit hui na... Ekta, Jeetuji kuchh toh dengey... main pichhli baar bhi boli thi jab 'Shootout at Lokhandwala' hit hui thi... Tushar ko lead role nahin dogey to picture chal jayegi... is baar goonga kar diye to aur badi hit ho gayi!.... tu kahan ja rahi Chandni?
Chandni : .... main Himesh ke ghar ja rahi hoon... Andheri utroongi...
Kammo : ...par Himesh ke ghar kyun... Karzzz toh flop gayi na re?
Chandni : ....arrey ye to duniya ko maloom na... Himesh to abhi bhi samajh raha hai ki Karzzz supper-dupper hit ho gayi hai....