बा..आ..आ s s s आई.......तुम Sign करोगी या नहीं ...?

Everybody... well almost everybody will agree that we Indians are the biggest Hero-Worshipers. We try, find or create Heroes around us and then start worshiping them. Mostly our Heroes come from Film-Stars, Cricketers and Politicians..... add Domestic-Helps (बाई) to the list.

Recently we lost our maid. No she didn't die..... she left our home for greener pastures. Literally, her hubby got a large chunk of land bequeathed to him by his uncle and they are planning to raise some goats, buffaloes and their own kids at the newly acquired Farm. Her move to the new place has however completely disturbed our Home. Maa used to get up at 5.30 am in the morning, all worried (but did nothing). Wife didn't get up early- may be to escape morning worries. Dad was still unaffected. Mom was sudenly on the job, searching for a new Maid. Looked like she'd dedicated all her Mornings, Noons & Evenings to the cause. The perfectionist she is, she had taken the whole process of selecting a Maid (read 'Baai') to altogether a different level. She contended there's hardly anything more Technical than selecting the right Baai! I bet, without letting any of us know, she had secretly evolved a whole set of Techniques and processes to select the right Baai for our Household. She often discussed elaborately that peace & harmony in a home actually depend on the type of Baai one has. Selecting a Baai therefore required a very systematic approach. Some parameters in the process devised by her included :

1. Age & Looks : With men in home, she has to be in the range of 38 to 45 (past youth but still capable of working hard). She should not be too gorgeous for a Baai. (Mom justified "हमको घर का काम करवाना है कोई Beauty Pageant नहीं")

2. Back Ground Check : She should have worked/ working in homes having almost same standard-of-living (so that she doesn't feel alienated)

3. Her Family : What's the main profession in her family? If she has other ladies in her house who are into the same profession (basically having a reserve in case of sick-leave)

4. Salary : She should be paid enough to be not able to afford what we can (Sadist!!)

5. Weak Negotiator : for obvious reasons.

With such guidelines having set, Mom used to be on a daily mission to find a Baai. She had taken to Morning-Walks. She initially used to observe the ladies who were moving on the road during those early hours of morning, then used to fix a Baai-looking target, used to start walking with her for the next couple of days and then finally used to pop the question "तुम झाड़ू-पोछा-बर्तन करने का कितना पैसा लेती हो?"... mostly to find strange expressions on the ladies' faces and a reply like "..अरे, मैं तो इधर सुबह बच्चों को स्कूल छोड़ने आती हूँ "... or .... "मैं और मेरे पति तो सुबह मोर्निंग-वॉक पर निकलते हैं, अलग-अलग ". But this attack by my Mom on unsuspecting Baai-type aunties had certainly made them take notice of their looks in the morning, subsequently, almost all the middle-aged & above ladies were rather better dressed on Morning-Walks.... . After many unsuccessful attempts, Mom dear started approaching the Doodhwallas, Paperwallas, Tailors, Sabziwallas in the area, "भैय्या तुम्हारे परिवार या जान-पहचान में कोई बाई है क्या?"... A few expressed their helplessness, a few more shared the concern... one even went out to share " मैडम, मेरे बीवी किसी के घर काम पर जाती है, पर हमने अपने घर के काम के लिए बाई लगा रखी है "... after repeated efforts and considering her dejected disheveled look  a Chemist, on listening to her plea for 5 minutes said, "... अच्छा... आप क्या क्या कर लोगी वैसे.... देखो मेरी जान-पहचान में किसी को बाई रखनी होगी तो तुमको फ़ोन कर दूंगा .... अपना नंबर दे कर जाओ ..." Mom came running back to the home!

Finally, after SATO (Search, Assess & Target Operation) of about 20 days, she fixed 'Interviews' on a Saturday... then it was extended to Sunday. It was such an 'authoritative' feeling for all of us - as if we are recruiting some executives for some vital positions. Each one of us (Mom, Dad, me & wife) had our own set of questions and wanted to grill the candidates.

There were all sorts of Candidates. Retrospectively, they can be divided into a few broad categories, based on their performance in the 'interview' and interaction. The candidates were informally divided into 3 broad categories, one overlapping the other as The Amma Types, The Mumma Types & The Chhamma Chhamma Types.

1. The Amma Type : This was the preferred lot - for their Work-experience and experiences of Life in general. They were, however, equally authoritative. One of them - Anguri Bai was quite forth coming. As soon as Mom & Wife finished their queries, she took off with very uncomfortable and embarrassing questions like "तुम लोग सुबह कितने बजे सो कर उठते हो?", "मैं तो ये सब काम करुँगी ही, पर फिर तुम लोग दिन भर क्या करोगे?", "ये बाबूजी दिन भर घर पर ही रहते हैं क्या?, इतने बुड्ढे तो नहीं हैं, कोई काम क्यों नहीं करते ?" She was already acting like a matron, on a mission to set things right in my home. She was the 1st to be selected but didn't last for more than 8-10 days, having sufficiently rubbed the egos of one & all. 

2. The Mumma Type : Then one of the other major categories was the 'Mumma' type. They just love their Mumma (Mummy) type devotion & caring for their own family and supposedly live (and work) for it. Mamta Ben, started with a lot of preconditions. Almost every condition was revolving around her family. "... मैं अपने लड़के को सुबह स्कूल छोड़कर आने के बाद ही आऊंगी... उसके बाद १० बजे वापस जा कर मेरे आदमी के लिए टिफिन बनाने का रहेगा...." ... Mom seemed to be agreeing with her. Then she continued "... अच्छा, कभी-कभी मैं शनिवार/ सन्डे नहीं भी आऊंगी... मेरे बच्चे और आदमी की छुट्टी रहती है तो हम लोग घूमने को जाते हैं..". Work-wise also she had many reservations. She would not clean the utensils used for cooking, serving and eating Non-Veg food. Once in a while her little kid will also accompany her on his holidays. Despite a long list of preconditions, the lady seemed genuine and was entrusted with the job. The 1st pinch was felt on the ensuing Saturday when she opted for a leave. On Sunday, she came to the job with her 3 year old son. The Cute-looking-little-boy, Monty, realised that her Mom had already taken a 'Permit' for his assault on our home. The boy demanded that either Cartoon Network or Pogo be tuned on the TV. Suddenly I realised both my parents & wife watching Cartoon Network, helplessly. If that was not enough, Monty further demanded, "... कुरकुरे .....". Trying to pacify him for a good 10 minutes and all of my family member trying to lure him with Gems, Uncle Chips etc, Mamta Ben had to rush down to get a pack of Kurkure. As soon as she restarted, Monty further demanded, " मम्मा.... गाना सुना ना..." and again stuck to it... after a while my Dad started clearing his throat... Mom interrupted with a, ".. ऐ मालिक तेरे बन्दे हम..." and finally, once again, Mamta had to come to our rescue with a "... क्या करूँ की साला character ढीला है..". Somehow the day ended with a unanimous decision that Mamta Ben needs to take care of her family and we better find an alternative.

3. The Chamma-Chamma type : These type were in the age range of 20-35. Highly energetic, full of excuses, keeping-up with the trends in Bollywood, Fashion, TV, Gossip etc. Chhaya was among the shortlisted candidate. Going by the age-range, nobody (neither Mom nor wife) sought my opinion in the matter. I had to pretend 'even I am least interested' and kept myself busy watching TV. Chhaya interrupted, "... अरे B4U Music लगाओ ना..." she started-off with her choice of TV Serials and Reality Shows. Looked like she's struck the chord with my wife & mom both. Then she said " ... देखो मैं सुबह जल्दी नहीं आ सकेगी...सुबह उठो फिर सबको टिफिन दो... फिर आधा-घंटा खुद तैयार हो .... ये सब इतना सुबह सुबह मुझ को नहीं जमता है ...."... a bit too much stress on 'तैयार' planted a good degree of skepticism in the minds of Mom & wife. I was still watching B4U Music, oblivious of the fact that my reactions & expressions were equally judged along with those of Chhaya. She continued "... अरे मैडम, Ready होने को टाइम तो लगेगा ही ना? .... काम पर आना है.... " People around me were obviously getting anxious on this stress on 'Ready'... suddenly 'Dhinka-Chika Dhinka-Chika' from 'Ready' started playing on B4U Music. Chhaya exclaimed, "... ये आसीन किती छान आहे ना...धिन्का-चिका... धिन्का-चिका... हे हे हे हे.....". Wife, who was till now negotiating the compensation at around Rs 2000 per month, suddenly declared "... देखो छाया, १२०० रुपये महिना से ज़्यादा नहीं देंगे... हमारे घर काम ही कितना है???...". Chhaya was awestruck, I was pretending to be ignorant but was thinking 'Stupid lady, saw the Song but didn't see that Centre Fresh-Zabaan pe Lagaam commercial just before that'. She could not bear that crash from Rs 2000 to Rs 1200 a month and the whole song & dance came to an abrupt end.

This whole exercise went on for almost a month. My Mom & Wife were about to commit something to the Gods (मन्नत). But suddenly our good deeds paid-off (by the way our deeds are good enough to be utilised for such purposes only). Aided by a lot of search and valuable inputs from Neighbours, Paper-wallas, Doodh-wallas, Sabzi-wallas we finally found a blend of all the above categories... in Jayanti Baai. She had only 1 major condition .."...मुझे कोई बाई नहीं बुलाने का, मौशी बुलाने का..". My Dad was visibly uncomfortable initially but before he could submit his grievance, I took-out the Police verification form (mandatory for hiring a domestic help) and popped the Question................. " बा..आ..आ s  s  s आई....तुम Sign करोगी या नहीं ...?"