बा..आ..आ s s s आई.......तुम Sign करोगी या नहीं ...?

Everybody... well almost everybody will agree that we Indians are the biggest Hero-Worshipers. We try, find or create Heroes around us and then start worshiping them. Mostly our Heroes come from Film-Stars, Cricketers and Politicians..... add Domestic-Helps (बाई) to the list.

Recently we lost our maid. No she didn't die..... she left our home for greener pastures. Literally, her hubby got a large chunk of land bequeathed to him by his uncle and they are planning to raise some goats, buffaloes and their own kids at the newly acquired Farm. Her move to the new place has however completely disturbed our Home. Maa used to get up at 5.30 am in the morning, all worried (but did nothing). Wife didn't get up early- may be to escape morning worries. Dad was still unaffected. Mom was sudenly on the job, searching for a new Maid. Looked like she'd dedicated all her Mornings, Noons & Evenings to the cause. The perfectionist she is, she had taken the whole process of selecting a Maid (read 'Baai') to altogether a different level. She contended there's hardly anything more Technical than selecting the right Baai! I bet, without letting any of us know, she had secretly evolved a whole set of Techniques and processes to select the right Baai for our Household. She often discussed elaborately that peace & harmony in a home actually depend on the type of Baai one has. Selecting a Baai therefore required a very systematic approach. Some parameters in the process devised by her included :

1. Age & Looks : With men in home, she has to be in the range of 38 to 45 (past youth but still capable of working hard). She should not be too gorgeous for a Baai. (Mom justified "हमको घर का काम करवाना है कोई Beauty Pageant नहीं")

2. Back Ground Check : She should have worked/ working in homes having almost same standard-of-living (so that she doesn't feel alienated)

3. Her Family : What's the main profession in her family? If she has other ladies in her house who are into the same profession (basically having a reserve in case of sick-leave)

4. Salary : She should be paid enough to be not able to afford what we can (Sadist!!)

5. Weak Negotiator : for obvious reasons.

With such guidelines having set, Mom used to be on a daily mission to find a Baai. She had taken to Morning-Walks. She initially used to observe the ladies who were moving on the road during those early hours of morning, then used to fix a Baai-looking target, used to start walking with her for the next couple of days and then finally used to pop the question "तुम झाड़ू-पोछा-बर्तन करने का कितना पैसा लेती हो?"... mostly to find strange expressions on the ladies' faces and a reply like "..अरे, मैं तो इधर सुबह बच्चों को स्कूल छोड़ने आती हूँ "... or .... "मैं और मेरे पति तो सुबह मोर्निंग-वॉक पर निकलते हैं, अलग-अलग ". But this attack by my Mom on unsuspecting Baai-type aunties had certainly made them take notice of their looks in the morning, subsequently, almost all the middle-aged & above ladies were rather better dressed on Morning-Walks.... . After many unsuccessful attempts, Mom dear started approaching the Doodhwallas, Paperwallas, Tailors, Sabziwallas in the area, "भैय्या तुम्हारे परिवार या जान-पहचान में कोई बाई है क्या?"... A few expressed their helplessness, a few more shared the concern... one even went out to share " मैडम, मेरे बीवी किसी के घर काम पर जाती है, पर हमने अपने घर के काम के लिए बाई लगा रखी है "... after repeated efforts and considering her dejected disheveled look  a Chemist, on listening to her plea for 5 minutes said, "... अच्छा... आप क्या क्या कर लोगी वैसे.... देखो मेरी जान-पहचान में किसी को बाई रखनी होगी तो तुमको फ़ोन कर दूंगा .... अपना नंबर दे कर जाओ ..." Mom came running back to the home!

Finally, after SATO (Search, Assess & Target Operation) of about 20 days, she fixed 'Interviews' on a Saturday... then it was extended to Sunday. It was such an 'authoritative' feeling for all of us - as if we are recruiting some executives for some vital positions. Each one of us (Mom, Dad, me & wife) had our own set of questions and wanted to grill the candidates.

There were all sorts of Candidates. Retrospectively, they can be divided into a few broad categories, based on their performance in the 'interview' and interaction. The candidates were informally divided into 3 broad categories, one overlapping the other as The Amma Types, The Mumma Types & The Chhamma Chhamma Types.

1. The Amma Type : This was the preferred lot - for their Work-experience and experiences of Life in general. They were, however, equally authoritative. One of them - Anguri Bai was quite forth coming. As soon as Mom & Wife finished their queries, she took off with very uncomfortable and embarrassing questions like "तुम लोग सुबह कितने बजे सो कर उठते हो?", "मैं तो ये सब काम करुँगी ही, पर फिर तुम लोग दिन भर क्या करोगे?", "ये बाबूजी दिन भर घर पर ही रहते हैं क्या?, इतने बुड्ढे तो नहीं हैं, कोई काम क्यों नहीं करते ?" She was already acting like a matron, on a mission to set things right in my home. She was the 1st to be selected but didn't last for more than 8-10 days, having sufficiently rubbed the egos of one & all. 

2. The Mumma Type : Then one of the other major categories was the 'Mumma' type. They just love their Mumma (Mummy) type devotion & caring for their own family and supposedly live (and work) for it. Mamta Ben, started with a lot of preconditions. Almost every condition was revolving around her family. "... मैं अपने लड़के को सुबह स्कूल छोड़कर आने के बाद ही आऊंगी... उसके बाद १० बजे वापस जा कर मेरे आदमी के लिए टिफिन बनाने का रहेगा...." ... Mom seemed to be agreeing with her. Then she continued "... अच्छा, कभी-कभी मैं शनिवार/ सन्डे नहीं भी आऊंगी... मेरे बच्चे और आदमी की छुट्टी रहती है तो हम लोग घूमने को जाते हैं..". Work-wise also she had many reservations. She would not clean the utensils used for cooking, serving and eating Non-Veg food. Once in a while her little kid will also accompany her on his holidays. Despite a long list of preconditions, the lady seemed genuine and was entrusted with the job. The 1st pinch was felt on the ensuing Saturday when she opted for a leave. On Sunday, she came to the job with her 3 year old son. The Cute-looking-little-boy, Monty, realised that her Mom had already taken a 'Permit' for his assault on our home. The boy demanded that either Cartoon Network or Pogo be tuned on the TV. Suddenly I realised both my parents & wife watching Cartoon Network, helplessly. If that was not enough, Monty further demanded, "... कुरकुरे .....". Trying to pacify him for a good 10 minutes and all of my family member trying to lure him with Gems, Uncle Chips etc, Mamta Ben had to rush down to get a pack of Kurkure. As soon as she restarted, Monty further demanded, " मम्मा.... गाना सुना ना..." and again stuck to it... after a while my Dad started clearing his throat... Mom interrupted with a, ".. ऐ मालिक तेरे बन्दे हम..." and finally, once again, Mamta had to come to our rescue with a "... क्या करूँ की साला character ढीला है..". Somehow the day ended with a unanimous decision that Mamta Ben needs to take care of her family and we better find an alternative.

3. The Chamma-Chamma type : These type were in the age range of 20-35. Highly energetic, full of excuses, keeping-up with the trends in Bollywood, Fashion, TV, Gossip etc. Chhaya was among the shortlisted candidate. Going by the age-range, nobody (neither Mom nor wife) sought my opinion in the matter. I had to pretend 'even I am least interested' and kept myself busy watching TV. Chhaya interrupted, "... अरे B4U Music लगाओ ना..." she started-off with her choice of TV Serials and Reality Shows. Looked like she's struck the chord with my wife & mom both. Then she said " ... देखो मैं सुबह जल्दी नहीं आ सकेगी...सुबह उठो फिर सबको टिफिन दो... फिर आधा-घंटा खुद तैयार हो .... ये सब इतना सुबह सुबह मुझ को नहीं जमता है ...."... a bit too much stress on 'तैयार' planted a good degree of skepticism in the minds of Mom & wife. I was still watching B4U Music, oblivious of the fact that my reactions & expressions were equally judged along with those of Chhaya. She continued "... अरे मैडम, Ready होने को टाइम तो लगेगा ही ना? .... काम पर आना है.... " People around me were obviously getting anxious on this stress on 'Ready'... suddenly 'Dhinka-Chika Dhinka-Chika' from 'Ready' started playing on B4U Music. Chhaya exclaimed, "... ये आसीन किती छान आहे ना...धिन्का-चिका... धिन्का-चिका... हे हे हे हे.....". Wife, who was till now negotiating the compensation at around Rs 2000 per month, suddenly declared "... देखो छाया, १२०० रुपये महिना से ज़्यादा नहीं देंगे... हमारे घर काम ही कितना है???...". Chhaya was awestruck, I was pretending to be ignorant but was thinking 'Stupid lady, saw the Song but didn't see that Centre Fresh-Zabaan pe Lagaam commercial just before that'. She could not bear that crash from Rs 2000 to Rs 1200 a month and the whole song & dance came to an abrupt end.

This whole exercise went on for almost a month. My Mom & Wife were about to commit something to the Gods (मन्नत). But suddenly our good deeds paid-off (by the way our deeds are good enough to be utilised for such purposes only). Aided by a lot of search and valuable inputs from Neighbours, Paper-wallas, Doodh-wallas, Sabzi-wallas we finally found a blend of all the above categories... in Jayanti Baai. She had only 1 major condition .."...मुझे कोई बाई नहीं बुलाने का, मौशी बुलाने का..". My Dad was visibly uncomfortable initially but before he could submit his grievance, I took-out the Police verification form (mandatory for hiring a domestic help) and popped the Question................. " बा..आ..आ s  s  s आई....तुम Sign करोगी या नहीं ...?"  

बूढ़ा बरगद

एक बूढ़ा बरगद मुझे अक्सर आवाज़ देता है

कुछ अनमना सा, कुछ उदास, जटायें लटकाए 

बेतरतीब सी शाखों पर चंद पत्ते 

आधे सूखे हुए आधे मुरझाये

एक तरफ से निकलती पगडंडियों को 

देखता टकटकी लगाये

कोई राही काश मुझ तक भी आये

बहुत अरसा कहाँ हुआ जब

हर सरगर्मी का हिस्सा था 

जिसके तले रोज़ इक नया किस्सा था

खेल के मैदान के दूसरे छोर पर अब 

पंचायत का नया भवन बन गया है

ग्यारह कमरों का प्राइमरी स्कूल भी

पास ही तन गया है. 

गाँव में गतिविधियाँ ही चंद हो गयी हैं,

शिक्षा अब दरवाज़ों में बंद हो गयी है

शाखें भी औकात से ज़्यादा बढ़ गयी हैं,

नीम-शीशम-कनेर से बेवजह उलझ गयी हैं

लच्छु नीचे चबूतरे पर खेला, बढ़ा हुआ

गोद में झूला है, आज कुल्हाड़ी लिए खड़ा है

श्यामू का कहना है -

"कोटर में हींग भरवा दो, फिर ४० दिन बाद

नीलाम करवा दो" . पूनम कहती है

"ये बारह-मास झड़ता है, दिन भर अब

बस कचरा ही करता है "

सूरज और गोपाल जो दिन-रात

बरगद के नीचे लोटते थे, 

उनको वही चाँदनी अब खटकती है

बरगद के नीचे अब नींद कहाँ लगती है.

मीरा सिर्फ वट-अमावस पर याद करती है

इक कच्चे धागे की शपथ दे जाती है

और श्यामू की साल भर की उम्र ले जाती है.

पंडितजी कभी कभार इधर भटक जाते हैं

वचनों-प्रवचनों से शर्मिंदा कर जाते हैं.

पटवारी कहता है-

 इधर से पक्का रास्ता आ रहा है और अब

ये बरगद गाँव के विकास में आड़े आ रहा है.

काटेंगे फिर खोद कर जड़ें भी निकाल देंगे

जटायें कुछ काम नहीं आतीं और 

लकड़ियों के उपयोग में संस्कार आड़े आते हैं

अब इंतज़ार बहुत हुआ.

तना भी गलने लगा है, छाल बिखरने लगी हैं,

जटायें भी शिखर से उतर अब,

धरा चूमने मचलने लगी हैं.

अब और इंतज़ार क्यों 

और पैरवी किस बात की?

ये मंज़र अब और ना देख पाऊंगा

मुझे अब बस जल्द कटवा दो, यहाँ से हटवा दो 

आखिर कब तक बर्दाश्त कर पाऊंगा

अगली बारिश में वरना 

ख़ुद-ब-ख़ुद उखड़ जाऊंगा

शुक्रिया... तुम्हारा शुक्रिया

जब मैं चुनौतियों की तरफ दौड़ा

सरपट, तुमने मेरा साथ दिया.

जब मेरे प्रयास नई बुलंदियों की तरफ थे

सीधी ढलानों पर तुमने पकड़ मज़बूत की.

जब कभी उड़ा और मेरे पाँव ज़मी पर न थे

तुम ही धरातल पर मुझे बांधे रहे.

परेशां हो, जब मेरे पैर उखड़ने को थे

तुमने टखनों से मुझे थाम लिए.

जब कभी मैं बहका, पैर फिसलने को थे

तुमने अहसास कराया-कुछ बंधन लाज़िमी हैं.

कॉलेज-ऑफिस की रोज़ देरी पर मैंने तुमको अक्सर कोसा

... तुम थे की फिर भी पैरों में पड़े रहे.

मंदिर-मस्ज़िद-गुरूद्वारे की दहलीज पर

तुमने मुझे कुछ देर रुकने का बहाना दिया.

तुम्हें देख मैं ज़िन्दगी के सुराखों से निकल गया

... तुम कुछ यूँ मेरी प्रेरणा बने रहे. 

शुक्रिया मेरे जूतों के फीतों, तुम्हारा शुक्रिया...

.... मैं भी कहाँ 'पम्प-शूज़' के फेर में पड़ा था...

मेरे ख़्वाब में टमाटर आये...

इंसान सबसे ज्यादा बेबस कहाँ होता है?... हर इंसान अलग अलग परिस्तिथि में अलग अलग तरह से बेबस महसूस करता है... कोई अपने बॉस के आगे बेबस होता है.... कोई कर्मचारियों के सामने... कोई दुनिया के सामने. मुंबई की लोकल ट्रेन में... तीन लोगों की सीट पर अगर आप चौथे इंसान हैं तो आपकी बेबसी थोड़ी देर में ही जग-ज़ाहिर हो जाती है. आप लगभग मिमियाते हुए  बाकी तीनो को निरंतर उम्मीद से देखते रहते हैं कि काश अगला स्टेशन बगल वाले का हो... या फिर खिड़की के पास वाला थोडा ध्यान हटाये तो मैं उसको यही से दबा कर कुछ और जगह 'रिक्लेम' कर लूं... आखिर पूरा मुंबई बसा ही 'reclaimed land' पर है!... इधर उधर सर्वत्र .... हर इंसान बेबस ही दीखता है... एक दिन इसी विषय पर सोचते हुए, बीवी के आदेश पर मैं सब्ज़ी लेने निकल पड़ा .... ये भी एक बेबसी ही है .... यह बात दीगर है कि अब मुझे सब्ज़ी-लेना भाने लगा है... कदमो के साथ साथ सोच भी आगे बढ़ने लगी... "सब बेबस ही हैं... किसी का कहीं कोई बस नहीं.." ..... "ये लौकी क्या भाव दी भैय्या?.... साब, ४० रु. किलो... और ये शिमला मिर्च?... साब, शिमला सस्ती हो गयी है....६० रु. किलो"... मैंने कहा "सस्ती के बाद ६० रु. ?".... सब्ज़ी वाला बोला "... अरे साब कल तक ८० बेची है... ये हरा धनिया देखो १०० रु. किलो चल रहा है अभी भी!..".... "इतनी महंगी सब्जियां, मैं बुदबुदाया... और इतने सारे प्रतिबन्ध और बंदिशें?" .... मुझे फलां सब्ज़ी पसंद है, पर बीवी वही सब्ज़ी खा नहीं सकती... फलां सब्ज़ी उसे सूखी अच्छी लगती है, तो मैं शोरबे के बिना उस सब्ज़ी कि कल्पना भी नहीं कर सकता...एक सब्ज़ी को बनाने के लिए साथ में आलू भी चाहिए, मैं उस सब्ज़ी में ज्यादा आलू भी बर्दाश्त नहीं कर सकता... कोई  सब्ज़ी मुझे 'जैन-स्टाइल' (बिना लहसुन-प्याज) भाती है, तो माँ-पिताजी को उसमें तड़का चाहिए... फलां सब्ज़ी मुझे अच्छी लगती है और (खुशकिस्मती से) अन्य सबको भी पसंद है, तो वो 'टिफिन' में रखने लायक नहीं है..... इतने सारे विकल्प और लगभग सभी इतने मंहगे???...  अचानक मैं अपने आप को बहुत बेबस महसूस करने लगा... किसी तरह ३० मिनिट के 'डेली-सोप' की तरह सब्ज़ी-बाज़ार की परिक्रमा की, कुछ ज़रूरी सब्ज़ियों की खरीदारी की, जिन पर कमोबेश सर्वसम्मति रही है. कुछ भ्रमित, कुछ हताश मैं घर की ओर लौट पड़ा. रोज़ाना की तरह, 'बालिका-वधु' के साथ मेज़ पर खाना खाने बैठ गया .... मुझे मेरी थाली में रखा सलाद ५० रु. के नोट में लिपटा दिखा रहा था, कटोरी में ८० रु. का नोट तैरता दिख रहा था, थाली में एक कोने में रखी सब्ज़ी की जगह मानो छुट्टे ४५ रु. पड़े थे....

..... किसी तरह खाना गले से नीचे उतरा.... आज पेट हल्का ही था, पर दिल भारी होने लगा था... मैं सोचने लगा इंसान शायद सब्ज़ी-मंडी में ही सबसे ज़्यादा बेबस होता है, आजकल... बेबसी का अहसास और उस पर विश्वास दोनों होने लगा था...कि लेटे-लेटे मेरी आँख लग गयी... हलकी सी नींद लगी ही थी कि मेरी (अब तक छटपटा रही) अंतरात्मा जैसे सीना फाड़ कर ही बाहर आ गयी और मुझे दिलासा देते हुए बोली... "बेटा, ये सच है... कोई भी इंसान आजकल सब्ज़ी बाज़ार से ज्यादा बेबस कहीं नहीं होता" .... मैं मन ही मन खीज उठा "... मुझे इन सब्जियों से स्पष्टीकरण चाहिए (These vegetables owe me an explanation)" यही सोचते हुए मैं ख़्वाबों में खोने लगा :

मेरे पलंग के सिरहाने लुढ़कते हुए टमाटर आये
कुछ सहमे कुछ शर्माए कुछ आखें चुराए
बोल पड़े, "बाकी सबके पर निकल रहे हैं
पर हम हैं की अब भी ३६ रु. किलो चल रहे हैं"
फिर बोले,"प्याज़ वैसे थोड़ी नरम है आज
पर इसका श्रेय उसे नहीं
कोल्ड-स्टोरेज मैं छुपा है राज़
स्टोरेज वालों ने धक्के मार निकाल दिया
और इसका भाव ३०रु. से १८ पर ला दिया
आलू बात-बात पर इतराता है
हर दूसरी सब्ज़ी से चक्कर चलाता है
पर अति-आत्मविश्वास में मारा जाता है-
-आलू कहाँ १०० रु. किलो बिक पाता है?
गिलकी-तोरई-लौकी लम्बी पड़ी हैं
३५-४० रु. किलो हैं, चाहे छोटी या बड़ी हैं
पालक-मेथी दोनों कोने में मुरझाई खड़ी हैं

इनको हमेशा से जल्दी पड़ी है

जब तक ताज़ी हैं - ४० रु. किलो हैं, वरना
बाद में २० रु. किलो के भाव भी सड़ी हैं
मिर्चियाँ ज़बरदस्ती की तीखी हैं
ब्लेकमेलिंग इन्होंने शायद धनिये से सीखी है
इनको मालूम है खाना इनके बिना बे-मज़ा है
६० रु. किलो में इनको खरीदना भी सज़ा है
हरा धनिया सबसे नक्-चढ़ा है
आजकल सबसे ऊपर खड़ा है
अभिमान से फूला नहीं समा रहा
१०० रु. किलो बाज़ार में है आ रहा
फ़िज़ूल के तर्क-वितर्क करता है, कहता है
- जो दिखता है, वो बिकता है
उसको गुमाँ है- उसके सामने कौन टिकता है?"

मेरी आँखों में जो आँसू रुके हुए थे
वो टमाटर की आँखों में आ गए
मुझे लगा वो मेरा दर्द पा गए
पर उनकी पीड़ा कुछ जुदा थी
रोते हुए बोले "हम कच्चे हों, या पके-पिलपिले
हर सब्ज़ी में हम ही कट-कुचल रहे हैं
... जबकि औरों के पर निकल रहे हैं

हम हैं की अब भी ३६ रु. किलो चल रहे हैं"

जन्मदिन पर ........... आपबीती

वो दिन रहे नहीं कि साल भर
अब इस दिन का इंतज़ार हो
अब उम्मीद भी नहीं कि
तोहफे बेशुमार हों
नए कपड़ों की ज़िद भी
अब तब करूँ
जब कोई हामी और
कोई इन्कार हो
तोहफों का मज़ा भी जाता रहा
जब अपने लिए ख़ुद खरीदार हों
चेहरे पे लकीरें यूँ झाँक रही हैं
पुरानी मंज़िलों में जैसे दरार हों

आत्म-विश्वास की चूलें कुछ हिलने लगी हैं

बालों में सफेदी भी अब मिलने लगी है
खुद को तसल्ली देता हूँ यही सोच कर
'काले बादलों पे जैसे चाँदी-किनार हो'
संबोधन भी जैसे तमाचे मार रहे हैं
पहले जो 'हैप्पी बर्थ डे, यार' थे
'हैप्पी बर्थ डे, सर' चिंघाड़ रहे हैं
बीवी के तोहफे भी जैसे
लगभग क़त्ल करते हैं
लाख कोशिश कर मुस्कुराऊँ
अन्दर आँसू छलकते हैं
अपनी पसंद की चीज़

मुझे गिफ्ट करती है

मेरी पसीने की कमाई 

आंसुओं में बह निकलती है
उपयोगिता पर कोई सवाल करूँ,
उसके पहले ही
'टेम्पो' की तरफ इशारा कर
जैसे कटाक्ष करती है,लिखा है-
'मेरी चलती है तो तेरी क्यूँ जलती है'

जन्मदिन पर पुराने तोहफे 'मिस' करता हूँ
चौकलेट-केक को मन ही मन तरसता हूँ
फिर हिम्मत बटोर, पूरे आत्म-विश्वास से
दुकान से,'किसी को गिफ्ट करना है' बोल
कुछ मिठाई-चौकलेट पैक करवाता हूँ
फिर इत्मीनान से, ऑफिस के कोने में बैठ कर
'गिफ्ट' की चीज़ों का मज़ा उठाता हूँ
दन्त-चिकित्सक के शब्द याद आते हैं
मीठे के बावजूद मुंह किरकिरा कर जाते हैं
'अपनी दाढ़ों के सुराखों पर थोड़ा ध्यान दीजिये
इस उम्र में मीठा थोड़ा कम कीजिये'

'फेसबुक' भी इक अच्छा-सस्ता साधन हो गया
मेरा परिवार अचानक रातों-रात चौगुना हो गया
अल्लाह से अब एक नया शिकवा-गिला है
उम्र के इस पड़ाव पर ये सिला मिला है
पहले जिन्हें मेरी सूरत भी याद ना थी
कॉलेज की वो लडकियां दोस्ती का दंभ भरती हैं
रात १२ बजे ही 'हैप्पी बर्थ डे' विश करती हैं

बस बहुत हो गया ये अहसास-ए-बुढ़ापा
इसके पहले कि मैं खो दूं अपना आपा
सभी बुढ़ाते जवानों का आवाह्न करता हूँ
इस विषय पर अब आन्दोलन होना चाहिए
३०-बाद 'साल गिरह मुबारक' के हर सन्देश में
उम्र का ज़िक्र प्रतिबंधित होना चाहिए
ग्रीटिंग-कार्ड्स कि कंपनियों से अनुरोध हो
इस तरह के कार्ड्स-तोहफों का प्रतिरोध हो
बल्कि गुज़ारिश है, संसद में क़ानून बनाया जाये
और जन्मदिन पर उम्र के उल्लेख को
'घोर-अपराध' की श्रेणी में लाया जाये

Save from 'Saving'...

'Save' is the call God specially inscribes in the Indian psyche at the time of 'formation'. I have grown up ... or rather still growing up hearing this 'call'. At times I listen and follow, more often ignore it... after all its purely a matter of convenience!... As long as I can remember, I have been given this call of 'Save.... ' innumerable times. They might have started it long before that but probably I don't remember things that old or I was not big enough to understand that... I still remember my mom advising me continuously to 'save' almost everything for my younger brother... be it the chocolate, ice-cream or some pretty ordinary things... May be the advise to 'save something for somebody' is a way of communicating the closeness one has (or should have) with the person for whom one is advised to save... that might be the reason my mom never advised me to save anything for पड़ोस वाली आंटी कि पप्पी. I started saving a lot of big & small things for my brother and finally started taking a lot of pride in that ... expressing 'ये मेरा भाई है '. Be it my toys, my chocolates, my marbles, my tiffin-box, my pencil-sharpeners... anybody who was exclusively authorised to use it was my younger brother. I thought I was 'saving' enough...

... then in KG2, when I was asked by Lily Mam to sit next to Roopa Mishra on the very first day, I started feeling as if an access to Roopa will invariably have to be through me... I used to 'save' the adjoining seat for her in the Auto and some biscuits & gajak for her in my tiffin-box... Surprisingly, nobody ever asked me to 'save' these things for Roopa... Wrong, it was my instinct which was instructing me this time. It continued for some 3 months then Lily Mam, after probably noticing that I was 'saving' a bit too much for her, asked Roopa to sit with Ajay Jain and Chhidrup was seated next to me... me & Chhidrup hardly saved anything for each other after that!... Then during my adolescent years, my dad often used to convey his displeasure on putting on the best shirts & denims without a reason or an occasion... he would often suggest 'Why not save a few good shirts for special occasions, festivals, parties etc?'... Thank God, the 'instructions' gradually changed to 'suggestions'... but he also continued with 'Save time, time is money'... I often used to scoff it off with '... if time is Money, then Chouksey uncle who is a time-keeper with Ordnance Factory must be a very rich man!'... could never really understand 'How to SAVE time'... mostly I have believed, you cannot SAVE time- you can only properly utilize it. But, then again, proper utilization of time is relative. I often thought that while in college I was best utilizing my Fridays by seeing first-day-first-shows of all Sanjay Dutt's movies, but my parents never seemed to agree. Likewise, I advocated ultimate utilization of a Sunday by getting up after 9 in the morning, then watching BR Chopra's Mahabharat with breakfast... or having a brunch with 'Rajani'... then passing the whole day watching TV or listening to Music... my parents continued advocating 'Save time, it will pay you in the long run'.... I hardly listened and often argued '... यही तो उम्र है मस्ती करने की, बुढ़ापे में कौन मस्ती करेगा... ' the rebellious sort in me was completely against 'saving' of any type whatsoever...later in my college years, my parents advised me to save money while in hostel... I did save a bit... but... then splurged it on completely useless & worthless things... the tendency of 'Saving' had still not crept into me.

Getting into a job opens up a lot many avenues for oneself ... it also opens up a lot many avenues for multitude of advisors... your Boss, who has been waiting for all these years to share (bombard) his wealth of knowledge, finds an avenue and pours the essence advising you to save for the future, for a flat, for a car, for a family etc. The Administration Manager advises you to use email & SAVE paper, at the bottom of his signature in the mails you find the irritating 'Print this mail only if necessary'. Then there are so called investment advisors who come up with funny examples & reasons for you to invest & SAVE. They invariably start with 'I pray to God for your long & healthy life BUT... suppose....'... and then they will present the worst possible scenarios with your life... will scare the life out of you... all this in order to make you save something... last time I argued with an 'advisor' - "When I am not going to be there, you are gonna pay my nominees a huge sum of money!... they may not care a heck, having received the windfall.... and therefore may blow it up in a couple of months. How will you ensure that the money I am saving shall be utilised 'properly'? " The advisor had no reply to my logic... I further argued, "what's the point in saving for others' future at the cost of my present?...मैं अभी मर-मर के save करूँ और लोग  मेरे पीछे ऐश करें... जिसको ऐश करना होगा वो अपना कमाएगा और ऐश करेगा.."... I continued "... the moment we started following the Darwin's 'Survival of the fittest' principle, a lot many pains & obligations will get eliminated on their own!"... He might have been stunned on my views & approach... but so was I (as if I had propounded a new principle contrary to the theory of Insurance or rather contrary to the theory of high value Insurance availed by paying HUGE premium).... but, then there are emotions... 'Saving' has to come out of emotions not just for the sake of it... why otherwise I would have saved a seat & my lunch for Roopa when nobody asked me to and when Roopa didn't save anything at all for me ??...

'Saving' is one of the few traits that everyone wants others to develop instead of inculcating themselves. It has lead to many a disasters. The Project Tiger started by the Indian Government in 1972 is a case in point where the Govt wanted all of us to save Tigers through print and AV campaigns but didn't do much themselves. Same is the case with our politicians who keep on advising all of us to save Electricity but their own unpaid bills run into lakhs of rupees. Everybody who advises should be leading by examples. Things may then start moving in the right direction. A group of youngsters embarked on a campaign for cleaning & saving Yamuna (River) last year set an example of how you can go all the way from Mumbai to save Yamuna at Delhi, have a blast on the way (in train), loads of fun in Delhi, countless photographs & subsequent activity on facebook and still achieve a bit, not to forget the tonnes of enjoyment both for themselves & (probably) for Yamuna!!

The crux of the matter is STOP advising me to SAVE paper, electricity, fuel, power, energy, environment, rivers (Yamuna included), Nilgiri Tahr, Indian Wild Ass ... and the whole of Earth. On the contrary, I beg to be saved from ever advising Politicians, poking relatives, uninvited advisors, Happy-to-help telecallers, ever ready consultants and self-proclaimed guides...

... so what if only 1411 Tigers are left in the wild... there is only one of my kind left in the whole world... SAVE ME

An Alternate Profession

... Got up early one morning to Milk the cows, I was new to all this... had started this little Dairy a few weeks back... I now had some 4 Cows, a calf and a Red Bull. This newly constructed Dairy, by the side of my newly acquired farm, had provision for some 20 Cows. Your newest venture gets the most of your attention, labour and everything else... so I was finding it tough to devote quite some time to my new found profession (actually an old passion) in addition to my 9 to 5 job. I always wanted to be a farmer but never really knew that it actually is a lot of hard work!... One needs to plow the fields, sow the seeds, fertilize, harvest and so on & so forth... Farming is actually a larger profession with integrated Dairy, Poultry, Sheep & Goat rearing and a hell lot of other subsidiary activities... believe me its a full-time job... you are attempting 'impossible' when you try to do it with your office-job... but that's what you have friends for... I was never so close to some of the persons as I am right now (after taking up farming). Some of my college-mates (girls) who never even used to look at me properly while in college, are suddenly fertilizing my crops, gifting me calves, horses, goats, sheep and many trees. God has never been so kind. God has also been specially kind with respect to the chunk of land I acquired. Its probably an irrigated land with enriched soil. Its a great boon as I never have to irrigate my crops. I am really blessed - my friends take turns to fertilize my crops. Irony is that I never really get to meet them while they are at it in my farm... I also have a feeling that they neither meet each other while working in my farm even at the same point of time... I have grown in status and expertise in cultivating some particular crops. Initially, I used to get a bit too affected by the local market it is not so anymore. While routinely visiting the local vegetable market, on finding that prices of Onions or green chillies were going up, I used to sow these vegetables in my farm the very next morning before leaving for office. Now, having achieved a bit, I have a tractor, harvester and a seeder. Now I often cultivate Pineapple, Bell Peppers, Artichokes, Daffodils, Red Tulips, Lavenders etc without a worry about the market to sell them. A lot many of my friends now vie for being my neighbours... Life has never been so good as far attention is concerned. But it does have its own share of responsibilities, one should reciprocate by gifting back the friends & neighbours and fertilizing their crops. It is probably the camaraderie among friends & neighbours that pays off everybody - The trees are producing fruits without any inputs or care, the hen are producing eggs without disruptions, cows & goats are producing milk, crops grow on their own... you only have to harvest everything. Suddenly the farming seems very easy & enjoyable...

.... more so on 'Farmville' .... its addictive... it does give a great high being the cynosure of all your friends' activities who have taken up 'farming' ... makes you feel a lot privileged ... I am now seriously thinking of giving-up my 9 to 5 job and take up farming full-time!

Daaktar Saab

Indian Government has lately been trying its best to provide basic Medical Facilities to one & all... beyond caste, creed, color, status... the stress has certainly been on covering almost all of about 638365 villages ... the Government is offering subsidies on Medical Studies in some colleges... of course with a rider that pass-outs will initially be posted at some villages in interiors. There's a 'Lock-in'... the 'fresh' docs can't get a transfer for a period of two years... the aspirants plan variety of things to escape such postings... strangely though, almost all such postings are followed by recommendations from the very same MLAs, MLCs, MPs... Ministers... Leaders who have been instrumental in making this 'policy' of rural postings. These doctors are then required to submit their performance report on a monthly basis... and it should invariably reflect some improvement...

Dr. Jeevan Pyaare Gautam (JPG - as he was fondly called by his classmates of MBBS for his ability of creating great pictures, mostly out of his imagination), freshly out of the college, got posted at a village called Phanda in Sehore district in Madhya Pradesh. As is with any new responsibility, JPG enjoyed being addressed as 'Daaktar Saab' by the 650 odd villagers of Phanda and of the adjoining villages. The village chief 'Sarpanch' - Chaudhari Mitthu Singh deputed one of his men called Pungi Lal at JPG's service. Pungi was actually an all-rounder... Helper, Cook, Driver, Masseur... and even a Compounder. Pungi used to accompany JPG to everywhere, from Patients' residences to weekly bazaars at Phanda and neighbouring villages. He gradually started being recognized as 'Compounder saab'. More than Jeevan Pyaare, Pungi started discussing ailments and their cure at length at various forums- Panchayats, Vivah-Bhoj, Funerals, family gatherings.... etc etc. JPG was a born attention-seeker and he started relishing all this due & undue attention he was getting in the village. JPG was mostly busy being the Guest of Honour at all sorts of functions in Phanda and nearby villages... needless to say, most of this was courtesy Pungi Lal ji. Both the dignitaries used to travel these distances on JPG's second hand bike- Kawasaki Bajaj Caliber 112. Pungi used to be the Master of Ceremonies on almost all such programmes and more often than not used to test JPG's oratory skills... " राम आसरे भैय्या के तीसरे बेटे के मुंडन में आज हमारे बीच हैं डाक्टर साब, डाक्टर साब आप सब लोगों को बतायेंगे कि बच्चों का मुंडन कराने के क्या फायदे हैं और मुंडन करने की सही उम्र क्या होनी चाहिए..." or on rather further weird issues like "... बड़ी ख़ुशी की बात है कि गुल्लू की गैय्या गेरू को कल रात बड़ा खूबसूरत बछड़ा हुआ है - गजनी, डाक्टर साब माँ-बेटे कि सेहत बनाये रखने के उपाय आज आप सब को बतायेंगे..." all this went on for almost two and a half months ... JPG also kind of started enjoying this... he often thought why was there a need to study Medicine if he was doing (and enjoying) such kind of activities!... In the meantime, they were attending to local patients... which rarely turned up at the Government dispensary... since Doctor & Compounder were hardly available!

Suddenly... one fine morning, Dr Jeevan Pyaare Gautam, MBBS received a telegram from सहायक निदेशक, चिकित्सा सेवाएं, मध्य प्रदेश शासन (Assistant Director, Medical Services, Govt. of M.P.) with a message "... आपका मासिक प्रगति प्रतिवेदन पिछले दो माह से प्राप्त नहीं हुआ है, कृपया तुरंत प्रेषित करें और भविष्य में इसकी प्राप्ति अगले माह कि ७ तारीख तक सुनिश्चित करें ..." (We have not received your Monthly Progress Report for the last two months. Please forward it immediately and also ensure its receipt by the 7th of next month, in future)... There was no 'progress' as such, JPG had hardly treated any patients during the past two months... and was completely clueless on what to make-up in the 'Progress-Report' that too for the last two months...

He turned to Pungi Lal for a solution. After discussing all the technicalities, Pungi Lal opined that creating fake patients and submitting a false report might end up terminating his services, if proved even in future. This is how the previous Medical Officer- Dr Laxmi Prasad lost his job. He suggested that they should work overtime and Check each and every resident of the village as a patient, to make-up for the shortfall (in numbers) of the last two months. Pungi further suggested that he himself will go village to village urging people to get themselves checked up and 'cured' even for very ordinary& minor problems. People started flooding the Government Dispensary at Phanda in hoards... much beyond the expectations of both JPG and Pungi. Initially Pungi liked it and could generate the required data within a period of some 5-6 days... the people, however, continued to turn up day-after-day-after-day..... Daaktar saab had not much aptitude left for his real profession after an initial taste of 'Chief Guestship'. Pungi was also not enjoying this 'real' work-load, after all he always aspired for 'bigger' things in life. People continued to visit JPG & Pungi with all sorts of ailments... "डाक्टर साब, मेरी पिंडली में बहुत खुजली हो रही है दो दिनों से"... या फिर.... "... साब मेरी नाक के अन्दर छोटी फुंसी हो गयी है... आजकल नाक में ऊँगली करने में बहुत दर्द होता है"... or else..."..डाक्टर साब, आजकल कई दिनों से रोज़ रात में जोर जोर से आवाज़ के साथ खट्टी डकारें आती हैं..".... This was way too much for JPG... suddenly he was hating his profession, posting , village-life... Pungi...and everything.

... JPG was not the one to give up so easily.... or rather he was not in a financial position to leave the job for a city-job by paying the bond money of Rs. 2.5 Lacs... he contemplated various options to go back to his old 'job-profile' while adhering to official reports etc. The only way he could go back to his old relaxed ways was by reducing the number of patients who were still coming in loads... JPG thought this reduction can only be achieved if he started giving more time on individual patients BUT the ailments were so minor that somehow it was not possible to devote more time on each individual patient. ... Theoretically, he thought he would increase the time taken for diagnosis of a patient, this would not only keep the patients happy (that Daaktar saab was giving him so much time) but will also not reflect badly in his 'Monthly Progress Reports'... here was the solution, Dr. Jeevan Pyaare Gautam started asking all sorts of weird questions while diagnosing the diseases...A patient of constipation was bombarded with questions like - "क्या जब से तुम्हारी प्रेमिका की शादी हुई है, ये कब्ज की शिकायत बनी हुई है?"... या फिर.. "स्कूल में तुम्हें अंग्रेजी वाली मैडम पसंद थीं या विज्ञान वाली?"... या फिर "तुम साइकिल का पंचर गेंदालाल के यहाँ बनवाते हो या पूरनचंद के यहाँ ?"... almost at the end he used to face a relevant question like "कल रात तुमने क्या खाया था... दही-चावल?".... similarly a patient of Eczema had to answer questions like - "... तुम्हारे माँ-बाप ने भाग के शादी की थी या गाँव में?"... या फिर ...."तुम हनुमान जी की पूजा ज्यादा करते हो या शिव जी की?"... या ... "तुम्हें धनिया की चटनी पसंद है या पुदीना की?"... finally at the end only was he asked about any skin allergies he had.... a patient of common cold had to face questions like -.."तुम्हारे हिसाब से शोले में ज्यादा पावरफुल रोल किसका था - जय का या वीरू का?"... या... "तुम लाईफबॉय से नहाते हो या रेक्सोना से?"... या फिर ..."तुम्हारी भैंस 'भूरी' ज्यादा दूध देती है या 'दुलारी'?"... everyone initially thought that Daaktar saab was doing a detailed diagnosis... only to realise a few weeks later that its better to try home-remedies for such minor problems than answer all sorts of awkward questions at Dispensary...

The flood of patients finally started receding after a few days... credit to the long interrogatory sessions. After a few weeks there were virtually no patients... the time for next 'मासिक प्रगति प्रतिवेदन' was already there... Both JPG & Pungi submitted a detailed report on Patients treated during last month. The major difference being, this time they were stressing more on the Quality & Details of diagnosis than the number of patients treated. The next couple of months saw further more more 'Details' ... and then further more... after 4 months or so ... they were exactly back to their initial life and job-profile... The Monthly Progress Report mentioned... 'No Patients during last month'.... The inference derived - "Either There are no more patients or people have stopped falling ill and all diseases have been eradicated since our postings at Phanda"... As is mostly the case - Higher-ups are more impressed by the way content is 'presented' than the 'content' itself... Dr. Jeevan Pyaare Gautam, MBBS got promoted and posted at his home town at Harniya Khedi, Mhow and Shri Pungi Lal Choubey got 'permanent' as Compounder (now addressed as Daaktar Saab) at Phanda.